


Madness is the Gift That Has Been Given to Me

by vilnolin



Category: Dark Angel
Genre: Angst, Animal Traits, F/M, Graphic Sex, Psychotic break, Torture, mating cycles/ in heat, split personality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-07
Updated: 2012-03-28
Packaged: 2017-11-29 00:09:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 34,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vilnolin/pseuds/vilnolin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe he was fighting too long. Maybe Max rescued him too late. Maybe he never had a chance in hell of escaping his twin's fate. No matter the cause, there was one thing he knew: Ben was in his head, and nothing was getting him out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Curse

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Warning: Psychotic Break (Catoptrophobia, Schitzophrenia), violence, language, sex, challenge  
> Disclaimer: Dark Angel is owned by Cameron/Eglee Productions and 20th Century Fox Television. All original characters belong to me, all rights reserved and all lefts reversed.  
> Challenge: Write using 20 songs as inspiration. Cohesive story a plus.  
> All Songs By Disturbed  
> 

_…………_  
 _Marked for demolition  I’m just a time bomb ticking inside,_  
 _No hope for the hopeless I can see the pieces are laid out in front of me._  
 _No point even asking why, couldn’t help even if you try,_  
 _Step inside and you might just be the next contestant to feel the brutality._  
 _Devastation, obliteration, are all in a part of exacerbation,_  
 _There’s no explaining my situation, now why does this shit keep happening to me?_  
 _I’ve held on too long just to let it go now, will my inner strength get me through this somehow?_  
 _Defying the curse that has taken hold, never surrender, I’ll never be overcome…_  
 _…………_  
  
            If he really thought about it, the strange thoughts had started long before he had been dragged into psy-ops that third time. The thought wasn’t comforting at all, but, if he was honest with himself, maybe he could fix it.  
            If there was one thing Alec prided himself on, it was being Always Alright. And he was. What soldier hadn’t thought of simply eliminating an annoyance in passing? It wasn’t as if the notion was  _acted_  on…  
            But, there was a thought just bugging him; destroying moments of relaxation by surging forward from the recesses of his mind, a mechanism perhaps too intelligent for his animal-mixed brain.  _Psychosis can be induced from severe trauma…especially when the trauma inspires justified paranoia_.  
            “That’s right, little brother.”   
            Alec bolted from his couch, dropping his glass of scotch with a crash and yanking his side-arm from the pillow resting on the cushions. “Who’s there?”  
            For a long moment, all Alec could hear was his own breathing, and the creak and settle of the old, disintegrating building. Reluctantly, he flicked the safety back on, removing his finger from the trigger with extreme caution. His eyes continuously scanned the room, the dark no problem for his senses.   
            There were no errant shadows, nothing that suggested anything or anyone was in here that wasn’t supposed to be.  _There’s no one here, dumbass. Get a hold of yourself!_  He gave his head a shake, and forced a chuckle at his behavior. “You’re jumping at someone else’s tv, or some shit.” He said, breaking the silence that had become rather deafening. It helped ease his nerves a bit.  
            He settled himself back down, flicking on the tv and fully intending on drinking till he passed out. With the volume no more than a whisper, he stood, walking the few steps to the kitchen to grab a bag of pork rinds and another glass; the previous one had shattered, and he was too lazy to clean it up at the moment.  
            Even as he returned to the couch, comfy and munching on his favorite food, he couldn’t shake the feeling someone was watching him. Two hours later, tipsy and ready for bed, Alec dragged himself to his feet, flicking the tv off with the remote.  
            He forced himself to ignore the low laughter that seemed to follow him from the couch to his bedroom.  _There’s no one there._  
            The laughter increased. Alec forced himself to calm down, shoving his pillow over his head. He told himself it was his imagination, that Manticore had given him enough nightmare fodder it was surprising he slept, that he really shouldn’t eat shit foods this close to bed.  
            None of that explained why the laughter was not muffled by the cloth and down and fluff.

…………  
  
            He was relatively confident it was just his imagination. High functioning brains often had overactive imaginations, something about balancing the intelligence with the aesthetic. All in all, an excellent design, he just wished Manticore had wanted  _grunts_ , not quick-thinking officers.  
            Finishing his runs for the day had been a blessing; he swore everyone was whispering about him every time he stopped back at Jam Pony to grab his next assignment. Granted, with the amount of dating he had been doing in the employee pool, it could be completely warranted; like some chick just figured out she wasn’t “a unique creature unlike any other”.  
            But when he locked his door, and settled on the couch with his favorite brand of scotch, the feeling of being talked about got stronger. He felt himself tensing and glancing in the directions of the darkest corners, but, as he  _knew_ , there was no one there.  
            The laughter rang out again, quiet, at the edge of his hearing. Alec felt stalked.  
            Unnerved, he stood, heading towards his bathroom. A shower, maybe a wank, and bed. That’s all he needed.  
            Already feeling lighter, Alec whistled, forcing his mood upwards as he adjusted the water temperature and stripped off his dusty work clothes.  
            Out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement, and snapped back upright, eyes scanning the tiny bathroom. He glanced over the sink and jumped, before laughing at his own stupidity; the mirror. He had caught his own movement in the mirror.  
            “God, I’ve got to lay off the coffee.” Alec muttered, rubbing his face.  
            “I doubt that would work.”  
            Alec jumped back, away from the sink, eyes wide. His reflection was staring back at him, _but it hadn’t moved with him!_  He blinked rapidly, and the reflection grinned at him, a smile he never used before. Alec then did what any rational person would, he pinched himself. Hard.   
            “Ow! Fuck!”  
            “You’re not dreaming, little brother.”  
            With fearful eyes, Alec looked back to the mirror.  
            No, it wasn’t his reflection at all, though he doubted anyone else would realize it. The eyes were too blue-green with the brown, the hair a few shades too dark, scars on the face that Alec didn’t and couldn’t have…  
            Ben. He was staring at Ben.  
            “This isn’t happening. This is one fucked up dream.” Alec slid to the floor, hands over his head, not wanting to accept who was currently residing in his bathroom vanity.  
            Unfortunately, the low, evil chuckle was impossible to block out. “You’re not dreaming, 494.”  
            “It’s  _Alec_.” He shot back before he realized he was talking to a  _reflection_. “And this isn’t real.”  
            His reflection—no,  _Ben_ — smirked at him. “And they called me delusional.”  
            Alec swallowed hard. “You’re dead. Your last victim managed to shatter your knee and snap your neck. He put you down!”  
            The continuous smirk was infuriating. “But you’re my clone, baby brother.”  
            “ _Stop calling me that!_ ”  
            “Alec?”   
            He whirled, ready to attack when he realized Max was standing in the bathroom doorway, looking slightly unnerved.  
            “Max! Jesus, you scared me.” He grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his waist, looking back up at the beautiful transgenic in front of him. “Knock much?”  
            “I did. Who were you yelling at?” She asked, crossing her arms, a worried expression breaking through her tough girl façade.  
            Alec swallowed hard, glancing at his mirror only to see his own reflection staring back at him, moving with him. “No one. You must have heard the tv.” He tossed her an easy grin, which she didn’t reciprocate.  
            “Anyway, I came by to see if you were up for a heist. Logan caught wind that one of the local gangs are selling off the stolen museum pieces from last week.” She paused, looking at him in a way that made him feel rather transparent. “Alec, if you need to talk…”  
            “I’m fine.” He shrugged off her attempt to pat his shoulder. “Gig sounds good. Mind giving me five to shower and dress?” He tossed her a smirk, “Unless you want to join me…” He waggled his eyebrows, and Max scoffed at him.  
            “As if.” She turned on her heel to give him his privacy, chuckling to herself. Apparently, his flirting had confirmed he was ok in her head.  
            “You should be more careful.” With horror, Alec looked back at the mirror. Ben grinned back at him. “Don’t want Maxie to think you’re  _just like me_ , right?”  
            Alec gripped the sink basin, fighting the snarl he longed to loose. “You’re not  _real_.” he hissed to the errant reflection. “Go  _away_.”  
            He turned his back, intending to hop into the shower. “Oh, little brother, you have no idea. I’m not going anywhere.” Alec spun to look back at the mirror, but only his pale, scared reflection stared back, eyes wide and wild.  
            “I’m not going insane. I’m not going insane.” Alec repeated his mantra as he showered, and by the time he was done, he had almost convinced himself it was true.  
            Almost.


	2. Fear

_…………  
Reject, are you no one, feel you nothing?  
You know, I'll bet you think you have a good reason,  
To be living in the limelight of the fortunate ones.  
You're too weakened by the poison,  
That they feed you in the living lie; they don't believe you.  
Care to no one, trust in nothing, little impotent one.  
I don't want to be, I don't want to be,  
I don't want to be, I don't want to let them hypnotize me!  
…………  
_  
            “God, act  _normal_ , won’t you?”  
            Alec cringed at the tone of Max’s voice, but remained where he was, leaning against the door of her locker at Jam Pony. “I  _am_ , Maxie.”  
            She huffed at him, and Alec rolled his eyes, catching his reflection in her locker mirror. His reflection wore an expression of exasperation. Alec swallowed hard and looked away.  
            “Ok, then act  _human_. You finish your runs faster than anyone, you can carry more than anyone, and you practically blur around here like we’re training!” Max’s voice dropped to a harsh whisper. “You’re practically broadcasting ‘transgenic’!”  
            He couldn’t help it, he glanced up. His reflection gave him a ‘what the fuck’ face, gesturing he make a move.  
            Alec tore his eyes from the mirror, and focused on Max’s face, lingering, perhaps, on her lips for a tad longer than necessary. “I’m sor-rey, Maxie. I’m sorry I don’t have ten years pretending to be  _ningen_  like you…oh wait, I’m not.” He shoved himself off her locker, fully intending on making himself scarce when her hand closed on his wrist.  
            He looked back to see Max staring at him almost curiously. “What…what’s ‘ningen’?” Her hesitance was enough for him to pause before he launched into his usual mocking.  
            Laughter rang out, and Alec glanced around, momentarily losing track of his thoughts.  
            “Alec?”  
            “Sorry, thought someone called me.” He lied, running a hand through his hair. Max tapped her foot impatiently. “Uh, ningen…it’s Japanese for ‘human’…and we used it as slang back at Manticore when we talked about anyone…not us. It’s transgenic slang.” He watched her digest the information, and his admiration of her went up a notch; she was actually  _listening_ , maybe she could be taught!  
            The punch to the shoulder caught him completely off guard. “Ow! What the fuck?” He moaned, rubbing at the sore spot with a pout.  
            Max glared at him. “It’s derogatory! And racist.”  
            “Technically species-ist.” Alec pointed out, and got whacked again for his troubles. He was seriously going to have a fucking  _welt_  there.  
            “We’re here to live and  _blend in_. Maybe have a relatively normal life.” She said, and her tough attitude couldn’t entirely hide her longing. He was mildly nauseated.  
            But Alec hesitated a moment, sincerely thinking of holding his tongue for her sake; she obviously was in some sort of emotional distress that had been long buried, probably from her escape, and he should be helping her get through it.  
 _Have you seen how she treats you? She said she never wanted to see you again! That she wished she hadn’t saved your life!_  The thought snapped through his head, and Alec felt his mood shift quicker than his mental filter.  
            “Good fucking luck with that, Maxie. With your genes, you’re lucky be breathing, let alone having a  _life_. Besides, ‘normal’ is a fucking cycle on a washing machine, not to be cliché; why the fuck would you want to be some irrational standard of normalcy when you could be  _any-fucking-thing you want_? Christ.” He yanked his sleeve out of her grasp and grabbed his runs from Normal, who looked slightly off-put by the obvious chill surrounding his Golden Boy.  
            He watched her head back to her locker in stunned silence as he grabbed his bike from the rack, and an almost irrational glee rose up in him. He shoved it down with disgust, perhaps forcing the packages into his backpack with a little too much force. And, with one last glance at Max’s back, he headed out into the Seattle rain.  
            “That was good, standing up for yourself.”  
            Alec nearly threw himself off his bike with the force of his brake slamming. The voice was practically in his ear, and there was no one within three feet of him, and certainly no one with their car windows down.  
            “Try down.”  
            As if bidden by some unknown impulse, Alec looked down to the puddle he had skidded into. There was his reflection, lounging against the edge of the dirty water as if it was bored.  
            Almost instantly, his reflection looked miffed, and huffed, “It? Seriously? I’m you’re bro—”  
            “You’re  _not_  my brother!” Alec hissed, resisting the urge to stomp his reflection with marginal success.  
            The reflection gave a reproachful look, still not quite managing to lose its smirk. “Fine, call me Ben.”  
            Alec glared at it. “No.” And he pulled his foot back onto the pedal, taking off suddenly enough that a car slammed on its brakes and wailed its horn after him.  
            But he didn’t care; he pedaled as fast as he could, desperate to outrun the voice, the laughter. Weaving in and out of traffic, he tried to lose his invisible tail, but to no avail…  
            He was five miles away from his first drop when he finally stopped pedaling, his legs burning from the exertion and speed. He dropped his bike to the ground and collapsed against one of the warehouse walls, catching his breath.  
            “You honestly thought you could out-run me? How thick can you get?” Alec forced his gaze away from the warehouse window and scrunched his eyes shut, covering his ears with his hands. “Well, this is going to be the stupidest waiting contest ever.” And someone leaned over Alec’s shoulder, breathing into his ear, “If I’m you, how can you out wait yourself?”  
            Alec leapt to his feet, spinning. Directly behind him was another window, and this time, unmistakably, Ben was staring back at him.  And, seeing that Alec had recognized him, Ben gave a little wave, his smirk widening as he chuckled to himself. “Finally. You’re really in denial here.”  
            “I’m not denying anything. You’re not  _real_! You’re  _dead_!”  
            Ben gave him another reproachful look. “It’s a very obvious explanation.” He paused. “And no, you’re not haunted. Fuck, you’ll look for any answer more comforting then the obvious.”  
            Alec swallowed hard, forcing himself to man up, to not be intimidated by a fucking figment of his imagination. “I’m not crazy; I know you can’t possibly be real.”  
            “Ah, but you’re still seeing me, aren’t you?” Ben’s grin widened into a full, feral grin. “And seeing and hearing people who aren’t there is a sure sign that you’re nuts.”  
            “Yeah? Well so is ritualistically murdering people and then getting your amateur dentistry on. Forgive me if I don’t take your word on it.”  
            Ben raised an eyebrow. “Oh, getting sassy now.”  
            Alec rolled his eyes, turning away, “Fuck you.”  
            But Ben was in front of him again, still smiling. “Narcissism too? Wow, you  _are_  far gone.”  
            He yanked his bike back up, brushing some dirt off the seat. “Go away!” He swung his leg over the bike, and took off, starting an easy pace.  
            “Hey, even if you don’t like me you know you hate the idea of playing human more.” The voice was directly in his ear, and Alec flinched away from it before sighing in frustration that he bat at nothing.  
            “I said fuck off!” There was no response, and Alec glanced around, catching only his reflection in the windows around him. With a shudder, he started off again, realizing how far behind in his runs he was, let alone how long it would take him to get back on track.  
            But Ben’s words echoed in his head; there was truth there, if he was brave enough to look. He stuck around Seattle because, somehow, that bitch of a Niner had grabbed him by the balls and he couldn’t get her out of his dreams, wet and non. But did that mean he was willing to play human for her? To degrade himself in pretending to be ningen when he was so much more? When he was  _proud_  to be so much more?  
            By the time he got back to Jam Pony, he knew the sad truth: it didn’t matter what he liked, if he was going to survive he’d have to don the mask. And, seeing Max glance up at his entrance, only to feign non-interest, he knew it wouldn’t be as hard as he first thought. A feral grin spread across his face; he couldn’t know he had seen it earlier.  
            Max liked to pretend she was a sheep, but Alec was a wolf. And a wolf in sheep’s clothes never forgot why he was there in the first place.  
  
 _…………_  
 _I don't understand why you don't like me,_  
 _Why don't you like me, am I so different from you?_  
 _Stand back, Brother, take your hand back,_  
 _Leave it and I might crack,_  
 _More than a smile or two, you see…_  
 _You don't judge what you don't understand,_  
 _You can't deny what has been given to me._  
 _Your fear awaken!_  
 _Go with it now and let it overcome you;_  
 _Fear awaken!_  
 _Your mind is racing!_  
 _…………_


	3. The Night

_…………  
What has come over me?  What madness taken hold of my heart?  
To run away, the only answer,  pulling me away, to fall upon the night! (the night!)  
The source of my recovery, sweet shadow taking hold of the light; another day has been devoured,  
Calling me away, begging the question why?  
…………_  
  
            Max had made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. He wasn’t entirely sure what he did this particular time, it wasn’t as if he needed to borrow five grand to get another bomb out of his skull recently.  
            Alec paused, thinking hard. Ok, maybe that was still a pretty raw wound. But she had this hot and cold thing about her, fine and tolerating him one day, and threatening his life the next.  All in all, he hadn’t really devoted too much time to thinking about it, despite the rather welcome distraction it would have been. Instead, Alec found all of his spare time dealing with his… _vanity_  problem.  
            He had been waking up in a cold sweat for weeks, dreading the dark laughter that always seemed to lurk whenever he let his guard down. It had been sheer luck that he had discovered he could  _will_  brother Ben back into the subconscious recesses of his mind, but it was pure grit that kept him there. Alec was pretty sure he was fighting against insanity, and he was not going to let it win. Now that he had time to think about it, it was kind of ironic that he named the growing madness ‘Ben’, either by some subconscious whim or perhaps Manticore’s perpetual torture, forcing him to relive his renegade brother’s escapades over and over was what left the trace. 493 had always been a sore spot with him, and, clearly, he had some rather large, unresolved issues with his dead twin.  
            The more he thought about it, the tighter he was able to lock his mind. It was those small victories that made him feel he was Alright. Those, and the fact that, now he was of clearer mind, he could easily see a certain X5’s interest him, despite how much she claimed to hate his guts.  Granted, today it was particularly difficult to see it…  
            A warm scent drifted past his nose, and Alec inhaled on deeply-hidden instinct, pushing the air over his taste buds. Scenting was a particularly hard habit of his to break, seeing how sensitive his nose wa…  
            Oh.  
            His vision scoped to Max, who was attempting to leave Jam Pony, but now that he was actually watching her…it was more like Original Cindy was  _dragging_  her away. And with good cause; the scent she was exuding was—  
 _Whoa, tomcat. Grab hold of the locker there. Don’t go after her. She’s taken and ningen._  He gave his head a shake and, keeping one hand tightly gripped to the metal edge of the locker, continued packing his gear up.  
            “Easy on company property, Golden Boy!” Normal called to him, and Alec realized he had been bending the metal. He hastily let go, gripping his pant leg, still attempting to remain where he was. Vaguely, he heard someone laughing at him.  
            “But he smells so good!”  The voice was high, feminine, and at the edge of his transgenic hearing. It was enough to break his self-control, and he nearly blurred after Max. The laughter only increased in volume as he left the public view of his co-workers, but he ignored it, his eyes catching Max’s nearly a block away.  
            Original Cindy had no chance.  
 _…………  
Dark Maiden taking hold of my hand; lead me away from hibernation,  
Strong and unafraid, never a question why.  
For saving me from all they've taken, let my armor fall again;  
Give me the strength to face them, feeling it taking over— Now!  
…………  
_  
            Alec ignored OC as Max met him halfway, nearly throwing herself into his arms, her nose going to his neck before tilting her own head to the side. From some primal part of his brain he recognized the ritual, and nuzzled her neck in turn, inhaling a heady dose of her pheromones.  
The kiss that came next was all fire and spark, teeth catching, tongues battling, and Alec wrapped his arms low around her ass, pulling her literally into his arms. She relinquished control incredibly easily for someone who was so domineering in everyday life. The thought hit him like a bucket of cold water.  
            With what had to be epic willpower, he broke the kiss, gently setting her down. Ok, so it wasn’t particularly gentle, but it was hard enough battling her roaming hands and wandering kisses.  “Max.” He rasped, his voice practically broken. He caught Cindy in his peripheral vision, and instinctively jerked Max closer to him. She took that as license to start groping him, and Alec could only hold up a hand to warn Cindy back. “Maxie, please, give me a break here.”  
            The hated nickname had the desired effect; Max paused, and looked up at him, her eyes widening a bit in surprise. “Yeah, it’s me, 49…fuck. Name… Alec. It’s your Smart Alec, you know, the failure you hate?” The words were like more ice water, and Alec felt himself returning to some measure of ‘human’. “We can’t do this.”  
            “Why the fuck not?”   
            Alec froze, but it was all he could do to keep Max where she was. He slowly looked up. Just behind Original Cindy was a mirrored store-front. Ben was laughing at him from behind Cindy’s reflection.  
            “Why can’t you breed her good? She’s never been with a transgenic, let alone an alpha…Come on.” The dark laugh followed the words, surrounded the words.  
            Alec shook his head. “Maxie, come on. Snap out of it. You hate my guts.” Cindy was shooting him a thumbs up sign, but behind her, Ben was smirking like the cat that caught the canary. The fact  _that_  was the first metaphor to pop into his head was not a good sign of his virtue remaining intact.  
            “Virtue? You?” Ben sneered, “You’re a male slut. A regular tom cat.”  
 _She deserves better,_  he thought frantically, all the while attempting to ignore Max’s repeated assurances and groping.  _Better than a breeding, it should be fucking **special**  with her, man!_  
            Ben cocked an eyebrow, smirking as if he honestly couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What the fuck do you think our kind does for special? Heat only comes four times a year.”  
            It was logic, but it wasn’t Max’s beloved human logic, and she would hate him so much more if he did this—  
            “Back off, Cindy! I know what I’m doing!” Max’s voice cut through his inner dialog like a laser, and he snapped his attention back to the woman who was now clinging to him, speaking rather calmly to her friend. Her gaze shifted back to his, and he found himself drowning in molten brown. “Alec, please. I need you. I promise.”  ‘I need you’ was not a statement to go on from someone who was experiencing fuck-or-die feelings, and ‘I promise’ was equally iffy; what was she promising? But Alec felt a push—more of a shove, really—and he was scooping Max into his arms.  
            She purred against his chest, her hands roaming under his multi-layered top, her legs a vice around his waist. Alec met Cindy’s eyes—she was smarter than any human he had met—and she was stepping aside, giving him a look that clearly said, “We are talking.”  
            But Alec could care less. His head was full of pheromones, and his arms were full of Max, and he couldn’t think of a better place to be then his bed, preferably yesterday.  
            She tore his shirt; he ripped her panties. She left a bite mark on his thigh that bled; he left a hickey on her right breast that would take weeks to heal. She pulled his hair as he licked her clit; he left a handprint on her shoulder from his grip when she took him down her throat.  
            They were naked, sweaty and had already climaxed twice each by the time he entered her. It had calmed significantly, the urge to breed eased by orgasm, and Alec had enough senses about himself to remember the whole reason behind the urge in the first place, and grabbed his box of condoms, one slid on despite groping hands. And he was clear enough to force Max to look into his eyes, and ask, “Are you sure?”  
            He knew she was clearer then she had been with Cindy, and she paused, seemingly to think, before answering, “yes.” Alec thought he had died and gone to heaven, especially when she rolled him onto his back, and slid down his cock until he touched her core.   
            She left no room for argument, and Alec couldn’t have restrained himself any more if he had wanted to. Within moments, he grabbed her hips, stilling her above him, and he shifted his legs for better purchase, thrusting in hard and fast. Max threw her head back, groaning loudly and attempting to grind down to get him deeper.  
            It took only a few minutes for Alec to grow frustrated with his lack of leverage, and easily flipped them over, gently lowering Max’s head with a deep kiss before plunging into her again. She practically arched off the bed, screaming with her orgasm as he hit that perfect angle, that perfect spot, and he fought to control himself, to keep his thrusts steady despite the fact her walls were pumping him in the most delicious way imaginable.  
            Her second orgasm was what made him lose it, her muffled groans in his ear, and he exploded, crying out with the force of his own release.  
            To his surprise, before he had a moment to catch his breath, Max was pushing him off her, and he had the uncomfortable experience of the contents of the condom shifting. He carefully slid it off, his sudden shrinkage from reality shock making things slightly messy.  
            Max only stared at him, and only after he had wiped himself off with a fast food napkin, and tossed both it and the condom into trash did she say, “Well, I think you’re the first person to remember safe sex during heat.” Her tone was funny.  
            Alec kept his face calm, his tone light, afraid of spooking her. “It’s about breeding, right? I’m transgenic, there’s much more of a chance of pregnancy…” He trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence.  
            Max was moving already, heading to his small bathroom, and closing the door behind her. Alec sighed, and gathered her un-torn clothing, folding the separates and laying them by the bathroom door. He then gathered his own salvageable clothing, and redressed, snagging a clean tee from his closet.  
            “Way to score, man!” Ben was staring at him from his hall mirror, hand raised as if expecting a high five.  
            Alec snarled at him.  _Go away!_  he thought as forcefully as he could.  
            Ben’s smile widened. “No can do, Al. Ya see, you  _really_  lost control back there. Can’t really blame you, she’s hot, in heat and in to you. Not to mention it’s all animal brain where that comes from.” He laughed. “Regressing into your primal brain isn’t good when one is battling paranoid schizophrenia. It makes coming back to reality so much harder.” And Alec found himself staring at his own terrified reflection, with Ben’s laughter in his ears like a malevolent ghost.  
            When Max left the bathroom twenty minutes later fully dressed, Alec already knew what was coming. “Uh, thank you.”  
            Alec waved her off. “Seriously, don’t mention it.” It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out she wasn’t going to hold it against him, and it didn’t take one to see she was going to do with this encounter what she did with every other one: pretend it never happened.  
            Max shifted uncomfortably. “I mean it. About the condom.”  
            Alec vaguely questioned what caliber of man she had been with before, but quickly shook the thought away. “It’s not just you; I could catch something.”  Even the sneer was identical, and Alec was warped back to the very first time he met Max, just as he knew she was.  
            Her expression hardened, and her stance became more grounded. “Smart ass.”  
            Alec knew better than to toss an insult back, and let her walk out in silence.  
            Well, not silence. Ben’s laughter was ringing loudly in his ears.  
 _............_  
 _Give in to the night!_  
 _............_


	4. Stricken

_…………  
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane, leave me alone, let me be this time;  
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption.  
I don't want to mention, the reason I know, that I am stricken and can't let you go!  
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know, that I am crippled by all that you've done,  
Into the abyss will I run.  
…………_  
  
            The morning after was as bad as he knew it would be.  
            Max had completely ignored him as she made her way in, two hours late today, and had only glanced in his direction when Normal had refrained from his usual scolding. Aside from that, his existence went unacknowledged.   
            “Burns, doesn’t it?” Ben smirked, leaning against the locker next to him.  
            Alec sighed, and forced himself to walk through his hallucination, moving to where his bike was resting against his locker.  _Go away._  
            “After twelve hours of trying that, I’d think it’s pretty obvious it isn’t going to work. You’re crazy. Accept it and let go!” Ben bumped his shoulder, something Sketchy would have done, and Alec jerked away when he realized he had  _felt_  it. Ben, however, only smiled wider. “See?”  
            “Give me strength.” Alec muttered to no one in particular, fully intending to ignore his psychotic figment and straighten this mess out.  
            But Max had other ideas. “What?” She snapped, when his presence became too much for her to ignore.  
            Alec swallowed hard, running a hand through his hair. “How are you feeling?”  
            Her gaze shifted to him, but it was arctic. “Great. Logan made me soup, and we watched movies. I’m sure you went out to Crash, score another hooker?”  
            It would have been kinder if she had punched him. He stared at her in shock, and then felt his face shift, an expression that even  _felt_  alien to him. “ _Please, don’t call yourself a hooker as if I’d actually **pay**  for someone that bad. _” The insult was vicious, and Alec wasn’t sure where the hell it came from. Ben’s manic laughter might be an indication, thought. Max’s eyes actually started to tear up, and Alec felt himself pull away from her. “ _I help you, you **beg**  for it, and then you throw Logan in my face? Fuck you too._” He shrugged his jacket on, and stormed back to his locker, snatching his bike from around two other loitering employees. Both leapt away from him, and the rest of the messengers gave him a wide berth as he stalked to the entrance.  
            “Now wait a sec, Hot Boy!” Alec cringed as Cindy caught up to him, now feeling only guilt for his sharp tongue, Ben oddly silent. She was breathing heavy by the time she caught up to him, and staring at him as if trying to figure him out. He felt a surge of unease; she was smarter than he had assessed and clearly had more brains then survival. “I have  _never_  seen her cry.”  
            He had a twist of pity flash up, but his hurt pride was more prominent. And frankly, he had been used. “Look, I know you don’t know everything about Heat, so let me lay it out for you. The fact I could even give her an  _option_  once I scented her was because she’s fucking important to me. If any other X5 male had been around, or if she had been any other female, it wouldn’t have been so PG. And, the crazy thing is, if it had been anyone else,  _this_  wouldn’t have happened!” He gave his bike a kick, sending it sailing into the alley wall. After a moment, he felt his knees go weak with unacknowledged emotion and he sank down onto the damp pavement.  
            He nearly leapt away when Cindy’s hand came down to rest on his shoulder, but she was undeterred, and more importantly, she was  _real_ , and he eventually sank into her caress.  “My Boo wouldn’t know that, would she.”  
            “No, probably not.”  
            Cindy sighed, using her nails to scratch the back of his neck at his hairline, eliciting a deep purr he wasn’t even aware he was making. Her sigh turned into a chuckle as he practically butted her hand to keep her going. “You guys really are human-shaped cats.” She ruffled his hair, and Alec instinctively made to fix it. “She rubbed in the fact she went back to Logan.”  
            Her observation was incredibly astute, and Alec cocked an eyebrow. “Now why would you say that?”  
            “All your peeps split up for safety, and yet you’re following Max around like a lil’ puppy dog.”  
            “I resent that. I am not a  _dog_.” he gave her his most indignant face, which only earned a peal of laughter from the black woman.  
            “All men are dogs, Hot Boy.” She gave him a critical once over. “But some are the kind you want to keep, and you know she’ll figure that out soon enough.”  
            “It’ll be too late by then.”   
            “Excuse me?”  
            Alec looked up, stricken. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud. It’s nothing.”  
            But Cindy obviously was a better judge of a person then he thought. “What are you seeing that’s got you so spooked?”  
            His swallow was more telling than the shake in his voice. “Seeing?”  
            “Boo, you’ve been cringing away from every reflective surface out here. What do you see in your reflection that scares you so much?” Her voice was gentle, and when he didn’t speak, she enveloped him in a hug. It took a lot for him not to stiffen in her grasp. “I don’t know what they did to you back there, or what they made you do…but it’s not your fault, and  _you_  are clean. You’re a solider, right? You were following orders, doing your duty. You have my respect and gratitude for that.”  
            She smiled at him, pulling back, and brushing something off his cheek. Alec was shocked to discover he had tears glittering on his face. “Uh…Thanks, Cindy.” He said, suddenly very uncomfortable.  
            “You should try to get your mind off Max, let her come around.” Cindy said, standing and extending a hand to help him up. “Even date. Your moping is only going to push her away; she has no idea how to deal with that. Trust me.”  
            The idea of Cindy trying to complain about a lover leaving and Max making an unceremonious exit snapped in front of his eyes, and he chuckled, even let a smile crack. “You’re right.” He leaned in, and quickly gave her a kiss on the cheek. “And you’re smart for your species. Why the hell aren’t  _you_  running this damn country?” He flashed his trademark grin, and swung himself onto his bike, taking off so he didn’t have to see Cindy’s confused—yet touched—expression.  
 _…………  
You don't know what your power has done to me, I want to know if I'll heal inside.  
I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen, seeing you laughing another time.  
You'll never know why your face has haunted me; My very soul has to bleed this time.  
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses,  
…………_  
  
            Her moan haunted his dreams. Her scent still covered his sheets. Her nails had scored his back.  Staring at his bed, Alec felt like he was drowning in Max, and there was no way out.  
            Again, a flash from the night before, her breathy grunts as he pushed inside—  
            “Great.” He dropped his bag down, and pressed hard on the front of his pants; the pain did nothing to deter the blood flow. And the flashes were coming more frequent… “Fuck it.” He shucked his clothes, and grabbed the lotion from his nightstand, not even needing the precursor jerks to bring himself to full harness.  
            He spread the lotion with memories of her sucking him down, cock leaping at every touch. And then, almost painfully hard, he stroked himself, hard and fast. Max’s face, her hair, her lips, her breasts, all flashed in front of his eyes as he sped towards orgasm.  And then he felt his balls tightening, and could see her underneath him, writhing with her own orgasm, he was on the edge, just there—  
            “Oh, Logan!”  
            “Fuck!” The complete mindfuck blueballs-ed him completely, and Alec let his head drop back, trying to ignore the dark laughter echoing off the walls in his mind. “You a cross-dresser too? That voice was freakishly girly, Ben.” He poked at his softening member with a sigh. “And that was particularly vicious.”  
            “Well, I didn’t want you thinking that night was  _all_  good.”  
            Alec wanted to shove Ben away, but his twin was standing over him, grinning. “What are you getting at, Ben?” he made sure to sound completely bored.  
            “But he smells so good!”  
            Alec sat bolt upright, staring at Ben with horror. “That was  _you_?!”  
            Ben cackled with glee. “What, you thought Max actually  _wanted_  you?”  
            That was the last straw. Alec surged off the bed, seizing Ben by the shoulders and slamming against the mirror on the wall. Bed laughed harder as he struck the wood and glass, giggling even as he raised a hand and realized the back of his head was bleeding.  
            Fear crept over Ben’s features, and he looked back at Alec, who was leaning in barely an inch away. “You need to go away.” Alec snarled, giving him another slam into the wall. Ben winced, all mirth drained from his face. “You need to go away, and you’re going to stay where I put you.”  
            Ben managed a weak chuckle. “You really think you have it in you?” He asked, trying to push against Alec’s weight. He was losing.  
            Alec roared, and slammed Ben as hard as he could against the glass. Ben fell back, as if through a window, and Alec could see him sitting on the floor of the mirror bedroom, looking surprised and afraid. And then he caught sight of Alec, and knew what was coming. “No, wait, please, baby brother!”  
            “Fuck you.” Alec slammed his fist into the mirror, and Ben’s face shattered, vanishing from the falling glass and leaving only Alec’s broken reflection.  
            If only he knew how appropriate the symbolism was.  
 _…………_  
 _Into the abyss will I run,_  
 _I can't let you go!_  
 _Yes I am stricken and can't let you go!_  
 _…………_


	5. Just Stop

_………..  
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life.  
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life.  
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life.  
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that,  
All that you want is to criticize something for nothing.  
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time, to be the best in the world.  
…………_  
  
            Alec felt more himself then he had in months… _years_  if he was completely honest. And when he strolled into Jam Pony the next morning, the usual flock of female messengers cooing over him, he finally felt like he had a chance out in this ‘real world’. Well, providing Ben stayed in his box…  
            He shook the thought away, flashing his lady-killer smile at the cute blonde who had started working there a week ago, and was laughing at all the right spots, twirling her hair around one nicely manicured finger. She reminded him a little of Keema, another blonde in his unit which he had enjoyed some ‘off time’ with, which was certainly not a bad thing. Besides, he had yet to score a ‘real’ asian…  
            He had just secured a date for Crash that evening when a rather hard smack to the back of his head made him lose his concentration. Luckily, Renee (or was it Reagan? Rocquelle?) had already moved on to pick up her runs, and Alec could turn to pout at his punisher: Original Cindy. “What? Unless that’s how they say hello in your country.” He made to swat at her head, but she raised a hand.  
            “Don’t touch the fro.”  
            “Gotcha.” He smirked.  
            Cindy shot him a look. “When I said date, I didn’t mean parade it around in front of Max.”  
            It was then that Alec actually took in his surroundings. At her locker, Max was being particularly violent with her affects, pointedly not looking in his direction.  
            He shrugged. “Cindy, I can’t play her games. And you shouldn’t be encouraging them.” He eased his locker closed, swinging his backpack onto his shoulders. “Another funny thing about heat; it produces oxytocin. I wasn’t entirely in my right mind yesterday.” And she had no idea how true that was.   
            Cindy cocked an eyebrow, and said “Uh-huh” in that way of hers that managed to make him feel like she was humoring him. “Well, I don’t know what you revved-up kids can catch, but be careful with Reese; she was a prostitute before she managed to get herself off the streets.”  
            Alec smacked himself in the forehead. “Reese! Damn, I was way off. Thanks.” He gave her a grateful pat on the shoulder and flashed her a grin, ignoring her “I wasn’t reminding you of her  _name_ , fool!”.  
            But talking about Max had allowed that door to open a fraction. And laughter was creeping out. Alec couldn’t let that happen. With the mindlessness of running pickups and drops, he used his free thoughts to shove the door tighter, and added a padlock for good measure. If he touched it, he could feel Ben on the other side, waiting. He spent as little time as he had to, patching his inner defenses as his body earned his living.  
            It was freakish how much it reminded him of being back at Manticore.  
            Max, for her part, seemed to have put the whole heat issue out of her head, and had returned to their quasi friendship. And Alec wasn’t entirely sure why. It seemed that all she did was citizen him: for drinking, for womanizing, for cleaning up at pool…  
            “Damn, I’m your personal whipping-boy.” He remarked, when she had scolded him for finishing his third scotch and ordering a fourth—it wasn’t as if he could get drunk enough on this shit to slip up. “You know, Max, considering what I know of you, I’d lighten up.” Her face went pale with fury, and she opened her mouth to yell again, but Alec was already leaning against the table, finger over her top lip, eyes flashing in warning. “Just because I’m being the nice guy doesn’t mean you can walk on me. You know you liked it, so get the fuck over it.” He meant specifically the evening several nights before, but so much more was layered in.  
            And Max seemed to catch it. “You screw up constantly!”  
            Alec hardened his gaze, sitting back in his chair. “Personally, I think avoiding capture with only a few days to acclimate is an achievement. Manticore didn’t train us to play human for long periods; I’m learning as I go.”  
            She nodded, accepting his words not as an excuse, but as a clear explanation that she had obviously overlooked.. “Maybe you’re right.” She said, before punching him hard in the shoulder. “But you’re still an ass.”  
            He smirked into his scotch, having settled back into his chair. “And you’re still ningen, but I think this friendship is progressing beautifully.”  
            She actually gave him a smile, and clinked her glass against his. “I’ll drink to that.”  
 _…………_  
 _All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion,_  
 _From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in,_  
 _…………_


	6. Meaning of Life

            Possibly the best thing to happen—EVER—was that X5-511 found his way to Seattle. Conversely, the worst thing was that 511—er,  _Biggs_ — had discovered the torturous human pastime of  _karaoke_.   
            There was no fucking  _way_  he was drunk enough for this shit.  
 _…………  
Get psycho! I wanna get psycho! I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna!  
Run you little bitch; I want your power flowing, juicy glowing, red hot, meaning of life.  
It's not enough to have a little taste; I want the whole damn thing now, Can you take it?  
Need to get psycho! Wanna hear you say it, Say you want it, need it,   
Don't wanna wait until we finish the show!  
It's not enough, you hunger for more. You're one twisted little fuck,  
And now you wanna get psycho with me! Give in, Give in, Decide. Give in.  
…………_  
  
            “I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” Alec called to Biggs as the darker transgenic jumped off the small stage, bowing to meager applause, “But you fucking  _suck_  at this shit!”  
            Biggs flipped him off with one hand, the other grabbing the mug of beer that Alec held out for him. “I’ve at least got the balls to get up there.” He tossed his head back, chugging the beer as if salvation was on the other end of the mug.  Alec personally thought it was to hasten brain damage so Biggs could  _forget_  this particular bout of madness, but to no avail; Biggs finished his drink and stood to request another song.   
            With a sigh, Alec let his head drop to the table in an attempt to down out some chick’s butchering of  _My Heart Will Go On_. A macaw would sound better. “I am never forgiving him for this. Ever.” He was tempted to throw another ‘ever’ on there, but it seemed a tad repetitive. As the would-be-diva attempted her high note (and sounding more like nails on glass), Alec decided it wasn’t worth it. No, the permanent damage to his hearing alone was enough to make him regret the choice. However, Biggs was just as Manticore as he was, and detected his egress before he had made two steps.   
            “You can’t leave now! I just pulled a song for you!” Biggs clasped his hand around Alec’s leather jacket and yanked.  
            Alec ducked the maneuver, sliding out of his jacket with ease, leaving Biggs holding the singular garment. “I am  _not_  getting up there and singing. Exposure?” He snatched his jacket back. “And besides, I don’t sing. I don’t do music.” The very thought of music—specifically classical—made him uneasy, and his stomach twist in knots. There was probably a reason—there always was, right?—and Alec shrugged it off to something that happened back at Manticore.  
            Biggs, however, had a funny look on his face. “Well, that’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve heard in a long while.” But, perhaps because of his intoxication, the smaller transgenic broke into a wide grin. “I’ll drag you up there.”  
            He took a moment to assess his odds; even drunk, Biggs was designed for combat whereas he was designed for stealth…Biggs would win in a straight-up strength match. Realizing his chances of getting out of this situation with his dignity intact was nil, Alec sighed, letting his head drop. “What am I singing?”  
            Biggs just smiled at him.  
  
…………  
  
            Barely thirty seconds into the first verse, Alec knew  _exactly_  why Biggs had dragged him out for this particular ‘entertainment’; the groupies. Alec had seen his fair share of the groupie breed, usually the ones who had a thing for men in uniform, or for the dark, mysterious males. These ones seemed to latch on anything that was pretty. Biggs already had a blonde and a redhead on his lap, and was flashing him a thumbs up from their booth.  
            It wasn’t as if he could just stop in the middle of a fucking song. Alec rolled his eyes, and continued, but his attention kept being drawn by a raven haired beauty at the corner of the stage. When she looked up at him, he felt like she was  _calling_  him.  And the strangest urges, the things he wanted to do to her. The image of her naked, under him clouded his vision, and he shook his head to clear it.  
            When he glanced over again, she was smiling as if she knew everything on his mind, and _approved_. The unease that had been creeping up his spine vanished, and a feral smile crept over his face as he finished the song.  The fact she matched it completely only sealed the deal.  
 _…………  
Need to get psycho; Wanna hear you scream, tell me to take you, scare you, FUCK you,   
after we finish the show!  
It's not enough, you listening whore? Your one twisted little fuck and now,  
You wanna get psycho with me.  
…………_  
  
            As luck would have it, the woman had a motel room checked out for the evening. It didn’t surprise him; she would have gone home with someone regardless of who was there. Loose women normally didn’t hold much attraction for him; too easy. But there was something about the way her eyes invited dirty things, the way her touch was just on this side of the pleasure/pain line… The fact he could see she was as broken as he was.  
            She didn’t even question it when he wrapped a hand around her throat, squeezing gently as he pumped into her. In fact, she encouraged it, her pale hands bright against his tan skin as she increased his grip. She gasped, and he could feel her begin to orgasm.  
            But it wasn’t enough. She loosed her grip on his hands, but Alec felt his fingers flex involuntarily. She giggled, and cooed something about him being a kinky fuck.  She wasn’t smiling a minute later.  
  
 _…………  
I can feel the blood flowing through my veins, spilling on my soul, and now the hunger's getting bigger.  
Come a little closer now, pretentious whore, and pull my trigger,  
Free the violence that is building in me.  
I say now end of the ride, murder/suicide, is how I've been feeln' lately.  
Come a little closer now, pretentious whore, I’m reelin' with a feeln' that I can't ignore,  
Come a little closer now, pretentious whore, I’m reelin' with a feeln' that I can't ignore—  
Need to get psycho! It’s not a question to me.  
…………_  
  
            It had to have been the struggle. Alec had no other explanation for it. He wasn’t vanilla—pretty far from, if one counted heat-sex—but strangulation had never been in his particular bag of kinks. The one or two girls who had been into it were sorely disappointed when he refused to hold there for more than thirty seconds. But he knew he was strong, and knew sex could make him lose control…  
            He was part panther after all, and the neck had always been of particular fascination for him as a way of death. The countless times he was reprimanded because the kill was a head shot, or poison injection, and the second a struggle broke out, he snapped, or sliced, or strangled. Too much instinct from his panther side, they had said, and adapted his ‘missions’ to his Modus Operandi.  
            It had to have been the struggle.  
            Perhaps she had finally seen that Alec was not  _her_  kind of broken, not the child deprived of what she perceived as affection from her parents, not abused, not  _human_. Either way, her sudden struggle away from him during the act did  _something_.  
 _And he couldn’t remember what._  
            All he could do was stare at her now blue-tinged skin and stare, because there were no bruises on her neck, but her face was contorted in horror.  
            Horror from him.  
            Panic started to creep in, and then the Manticore mask snapped firmly down, quashing it. Cold procedure took over, and 494 took several deep breaths before cleaning himself up, and then checking on the cause of death. The bruising to her jaw was consistent with him attempting to cover her mouth, but he didn’t remember that.  
            When he got to her side, he found something else he didn’t remember; a marine knife. “She was going to stab you in the back, take your cash.”  Alec snapped his head up, catching Ben’s reflection in the grimy mirror on the wall. His dead twin looked apologetic.  “She was going to kill you, little brother. And you were too focused on her damn neck to notice.”  
            The picture snapped together in his brain, the blanks filled in. He saw as if watching a movie: there he was, fucking this Goth chick, her one hand urging him to a tighter grip on her neck. Her other hand had slipped beneath the mattress, and was retrieving the wicked knife.  And he could see the shift—his body’s entire posture shifted, and her expression turned violent and she dropped her pretense and attempted to get the knife around—  
            But he had her wrist in his, snapping the bones and catching the knife before it fell from her fingers. His other hand was over her mouth, smothering her cry of pain. She made to kick him, and he balanced himself with his knife hand, catching her side. She bucked off the bed, attempting to push his bodyweight off of her, his mass centralized on the hand over her mouth—The second he exuded any addition pressure, her neck snapped. He had no way of preventing it, save letting her stab him. But the whole thing had the quality of a dream, and that knife was damn familiar…  
            Begrudgingly, he raised his eyes to Ben’s, and gave a small nod. “Thank you. Don’t ever do it again.”  
            Ben grinned at him, seemingly backing back into his box on his own. “Can’t promise that…because  _you_  can’t promise you didn’t like it.” And Alec swallowed hard, because some part of him knew it was true.   
            The following morning, her body was found hanging in her motel room. The cops ruled it suicide. If there was one thing Alec knew he was good at, it was his job. Manticore trained him well.  
 _…………_  
 _Get, get, get, get, get psycho! (Psycho!)_  
 _Get, get, get, I wanna get psycho!_  
 _Wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna ...._  
 _…………_


	7. Violence Fetish

_…………_  
 _Bring the violence, it's significant io the life if you've ever known anyone._  
 _Bring the violence, it's significant to the life, can you feel it? Ow, ow!_  
 _…………_  
  
            “Alec’s spending a lot of time at the gym, lately.”  
            Punch, counter, high block.  
            “I haven’t seen him at Crash in days!”  
            Thud, thump, wham. Fists hitting cloth and sand, chain rattling as the punching bag swung from the force of the punches rocking it.  
            “He’s probably got a lil’ something-somethin working for him, he’s a dog!”  
            Whack! The punching bag snapped from its chain with a cloud of chalk, and sailed across the room, startling the few other men working out with weights in the corner. Alec just stood there, panting and sweating. After a long moment, he slowly turned and strolled out of the gym.  
            Dark laughter followed him.  
 _…………_  
 _How do you sleep when you live with your lies; out of your mouth, up from your mind?_  
 _That kind of thinking starts a chain reaction. You are a time bomb ticking away._  
 _You need to release what you're feeling inside. Let out the beast that you're trying to hide._  
 _Step right up and be a part of the action. Go get your game face on because it's time to play._  
 _You're pushing and fighting your way. You're ripping it up!_  
 _…………_  
  
            “You didn’t make it to Crash last night.” Sketchy announced, flopping not-so-gracefully against Alec’s locker.  
            For his part, Alec refrained from snarling at the unwanted infringement of his solitude, but he did manage a smile for his stoner friend. “Yeah, got caught up with my new girl. Mouth like a fucking hoover.” He added a wink, and Sketchy let out a whoop, raising his hand for a high five. Alec humored him, doubting he would even notice the lack of enthusiasm.  
            “Ah, well you gotta get there tonight man! And bring the girl! Does she have a sister?”  
            Alec couldn’t help but laugh; despite everything, this slacker had grown on him. “I wish. And I’ll see what I can do; Lita’s got a surprise for tonight.” He waggled his eyebrows.  
            However, Sketchy looked like he was pondering something; Alec half worried for the man’s poor brain cells. “Dude, wasn’t her name Samantha?”  
            Fuck. Alec covered with an easy smile, and a laugh as if Sketchy was an idiot. “Go smoke a bowl, Sketch. You obviously stopped listening at ‘she swallows’.”  
            Sketchy joined in his laughter, remarking on how that was true, and then their gathering was broken up by the typical yell of “Bip, bip, bip!”  
            Alec was glad, because Ben was lounging against the far row of lockers, and that meant he needed another gym session. With a hurried glance backwards at his personal demon, Alec grabbed his things and headed out with a wave to Normal.  
 _…………_  
 _How do you live without playing the game; Sit on the side and expect to keep sane?_  
 _Step right up and be a part of the action; come get a piece of it before it's too late._  
 _Take a look around, you can't deny what you see. We’re living in a violent society._  
 _Well, my brother, let me show you a better way. Get your game face on because it's time to play._  
 _You're pushing and fighting your way, You're ripping it up!_  
 _…………_  
  
            “This won’t keep working.” Alec ignored the voice, continuing in his kata. He closed his eyes, focusing on the stances and the breathing… “Killing’s in your blood! You crave it…”  
            A snarl ripped through the air as Alec fumbled his next move, and whirled on his wayward reflection. “So maybe you’re right, and I got a thing for death.” Alec shrugged, “So what? I’m a fucking assassin! More than that, I’m a fucking panther! Trained and bred to be a killer. But I don’t kill for fucking fun!”  
            Ben cocked his head to the side, frowning. “It’s not for fun; there’s a release, a—”  
            “I know all about the fucking sexual draw of killing, you sick bastard! I had to study serial killers to track them, to hunt them.” He paused. “Speaking of, you may be dealing with some latent homosexuality, bro. Male victims? That’s your sexual fantasy?” Alec smirked as Ben snarled at him.  
            But in the next second, Alec was terrified because Ben was right fucking there, in his face and he could smell him. It stank of terror and pain and something he couldn’t place; it chilled him to the core. “Be glad you can’t really know what I was doing; I’m Ben Lite, the friendly personification of your darkest places.” He whispered, never moving closer.  
            Alec swallowed hard, trying to tell himself that Ben wasn’t there, it was in his head, that he was fucking stronger than this, damnit! But it was to no avail. Alec broke the stare first, dropping his gaze in a show of submission that neither could pretend was anything else.  
            And that damn laughing filled his ears again.  
            “I’m not here to take over, though I quite appreciate the offer.” Ben joked, grabbing Alec’s chin to force him to look up. His laughter rang off the walls, echoing despite the fact it should have long since dissipated. “I’m here to wake you up; to tear down those walls Manticore put up in your psyche.”  
            “No.” It was no more than a whisper, but it was wracked with terror. Alec—494—needed those walls. If they weren’t there, he’d remember things, he’d remember what they made him do—  
            “All this denial isn’t healthy, little brother,” Ben grinned the words, and now, there were others talking with him, through him. And one drove an icicle right through his gut because he knew that voice; they told him he would never remember her voice! “Relax, I’m not that cruel.”  
            And all at once, Alec couldn’t remember why he was having a fucking panic attack on his living room floor.  Ben watched him, arms crossed, a worried wrinkle in his forehead. Alec looked up at him, unable to distinguish the hallucination from his reflection, and now acutely aware that Ben was actually in the room with him.  
            When he flinched away, Ben looked almost hurt. “I’m not trying to hurt you, little brother.”  
            “You’re warping me!”  
            “Fuck, we’ve been through this before!” Ben gave a frustrated sigh, and moved to the minibar, grabbing their favorite scotch and pouring himself a generous measure. “Burying shit isn’t healthy. Burying shit causes the kind of psychosis you don’t come back from!”  
            “I think I’m there already, thank you.” Alec muttered, pulling himself onto the couch, still watching Ben wearily. “And they made it so I can’t remember. They cut pieces out of my brain because of you. Every time I had a mission they didn’t want me to remember, they lasered a section of my dorsolateral prefrontal cortex off. I’m brain damaged, I can’t remember that shit. So it shouldn’t be driving me insane.”  
            Ben gave him a rather sad look, taking another sip of scotch. “The human mind can reconfigure itself after severe damage. Imagine what one mixed with our amazing stem cell enriched blood can do.” He shook his head, snorting. “I’m not saying I’m the good guy in this play—trust me, I’m all for the kill-rape-pillage-and-burn mentality…”  
            Almost unbidden, the memory of some dark jungle rose up, and his small unit sitting amongst the larger, hairier marines. One of them—he had a large scar—gave Alec’s hair an affectionate ruffle, and handed him the combat knife. All the while they were chanting; We’re gonna kill, rape, pillage and burn! We’re gonna kill rape pillage and burn, eat the babies!  
            “We’re gonna kill, rape, pillage and burn…” Alec found himself muttering, before glaring up at Ben again. “Those marines were one twisted bunch, you know that.”  
            “Yet you used the knife he gave you exactly as he intended. Environment is as much of a factor as biology, and Manticore made sure you had the worst role models available.”  
            Alec shook his head violently, standing. “Fuck off, this is some twisted way of trying to get me to think like you!”  
            Dark, evil laughter surrounded him again, and he found the room going dark, like someone was sucking the lights out. His night vision wasn’t even working.  
            “I am you; the part of you they locked away.” He laughed again, layering it over the echoes of his others, “You are me.”  
            “But that would mean…” Alec blinked, staring down at himself as his vision cleared.  In his hand was the half-drunk glass of scotch. He dropped it as if burned, and the laughter echoed still.  
 _…………_  
 _So tell me what am I supposed to be, another goddamn drone?_

_Should I get ready to play?_   
_…………_


	8. Sons of Plunder

_…………  
Tell me you like it!  
Tell me you like it!  
…………._  
  
            He could smell her far before she made up her mind to come up to him. She smelled of indecision, and why wouldn’t she? Only a few days ago, they had run into a mated pair of X4s; Alec was betting her world view was taking a beating after seeing the two actually spawned like fish.  
            He  _really_  didn’t want to be the one to inform her that X5s were born with fuzz that took several months to fall out. They looked like kittens, down to the fact their eyes took several hours to open. All in all, the few cubs (as Dear ole Director Renfro dubbed them, and, what could he say? It stuck) he had seen born from the breeding program were fucking  _adorable_. Of course, this was due to the fact evolution had designed  _all_ children to inspire this reaction in adults, just as their parents were designed to be physical perfection, the cubs outshined most babies…when their fur dropped out. While he was always questing for new answers, new information (and found their origins extremely interesting), he highly doubted Max would appreciate any other reminders that she wasn’t just like her ningen friends.  
            Speaking of, Max was right behind him now, and he sighed deeply, frustrated at her cowardice. “What?”  
            “Lose out on your beauty sleep?” She quipped, finally moving to lean against the lockers next to his. When he refused to rise to her bait, she sighed, and tried again, “Usually I can’t shut you up.”  
            “Well maybe I’m not feeling talkative.” He slammed his locker shut, trying to move past her without actually looking at her. He had research to do.  
            She stepped into his path. “Are you still upset gill girl was taken?”  
            Alec couldn’t hold back the laugh. “Are you  _serious_?” He shook his head, chuckling. “God, you’re dense.” He made to move again.  
            But again, she would not move, would not let him leave. “You’re…different.”  
            “Living out here gets to you.” He brushed off her concerns. “Besides, you never knew the real me. Fuck,  _I_  don’t even know him; Manticore wiped him out when you and your rug rats escaped.” With great effort, Alec shoved Ben back into his cage, frowning at the truth that had escaped. It wasn’t the answer she’d wanted. “I’m sorry, that was…”  
            What it was, Max wouldn’t know for Alec took that moment to drop into unconsciousness at her feet.  
 _…………  
Come on, can't you just leave it alone? It doesn't have any soul.  
Just find a thing of your own and stop pretending to know.  
As the countless numbers hunger for worldwide renown, all the pimping sons of plunder will roll up their sleeves! All searching for the answers they don't even care to know…  
Give it to me! Give it to me! You like it?  
…………_  
  
            He was moving.             No, he was  _more_  than moving, he was being  _walked_.  Now why the hell would he be walking with his eyes closed? Forcing them open, he found himself looking at the very sweater he had been secretly mocking this morning.   
            “You’re awake!”  
            Of course, it had to be Normal. “Not so loud!” He complained, nervous to move lest the ordinary drop him.  
            But obviously Normal was stronger than his sweatered-ensemble would suggest, because he easily laid Alec on the cot in the back office, a worried expression over his glasses. Behind him, Max, OC and Sketchy were peering over each other’s shoulders in the small doorway. “You’re lucky you weigh so little, otherwise I would have needed help.” Normal gave him a once over. “You look underfed.”  
            Alec’s first response would have been an offhand, jackass comment, but somewhere in his mind he registered that it was probably true. He paused, attempting to remember the last time he ate when Cindy pushed normal aside, shoving a roast beef sandwich into Alec’s hand. He barely had time to scent it, when he was already tearing into it, like a starving man. Quite obviously, it had been a while.  
            He even tolerated Cindy tugging up his shirt. “Jesus! Hot Boy, I can count your ribs!”  
            The sandwich was gone, and Alec licked his lips, catching the crumbs. To his surprise, Max stepped forward, thrusting a bottle of Gatorade into his hand. Her expression was worried, and the liquid bubbled a bit. Alec could just barely make out a fizzing tablet in the end stages of dissolving and cocked an eyebrow at Max. She pantomimed shivering. He downed the Gatorade without a second thought.  
            “What have you been doing to yourself?” Normal questioned, forcing a hand against Alec’s forehead. “Jesus, you’re burning up! If you were sick why did you come in?”  
            “Wow, what a novel idea.” Cindy quipped. “If only we all got the same treatment…”  
            “Watch it, missy miss.” Normal warned, taking a cloth to Alec’s forehead. “I think he’s really sick—”  
            “Nah, partied too much.” Alec lied, gently brushing away Normal’s attempts to lower his body temperature; not that he could know, but Alec was actually running cool. “Uh…” He wracked his brains for a suitable reason to not take care of himself, “Been having problems with…Lita.” He finished lamely.  
            It was an excellent example of the gender differences when both Sketchy and Normal nodded, taking the explanation at face value. Neither Max nor Cindy believed him, and were quite obvious about it. “Let Original Cindy and Max lay out the female heart, Boo.” OC said to Normal, giving him a slight shove out of the door. “If we can’t straighten Hot Boy out, you’re welcome to try.”  
            “Uh…no, I’ll, uh, leave you to it.” Normal said, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. Sketchy was mouthing something over his shoulder, but Alec had no clue what he was trying to say; it looked like he was having a stroke.  
            And, just like that, he was alone in the back room with the two women. He was starting to hate how this cornered feeling was happening everywhere.  
            He took a deep breath, “Like I said, I’m—”  
            “Drop it, Alec, now’s not the time to be pulling the imaginary girl out.” Cindy snapped, and Alec fell silent. Beside her, Max had a strange expression on her face, almost hopeful. “Now, I’d like to think I’ve watched you enough to know when something is  _very_  wrong; I’d love to say I know you, but you don’t let anyone near, do you?”  
            “Not really.” Alec admitted, with a sidelong glance at Max.   
            Cindy nodded. “What is going on with you? You’re moodier then my Boo on her worst days.”  
            “Hey!” Max interjected.  
            Alec chuckled. “Alright, you got me. I got the shakes; ran out of my Manticore meds a week ago.” There, presented her with the perfect excuse.  
            To his surprise, Max reached into her bag and tossed him a half-full container of some sort of supplement. “That’s tryptophan. It helps with the shakes.” She said, gesturing towards the label. “Up to six with milk. It’s what helps me.”  
            There was a feeling welling up in his chest, and it was pushing aside the dark, coldness that was there. He was touched. “Thanks, Maxie.”  
            She barely wrinkled her nose. “Don’t mention it. And don’t call me Maxie.”  
            They sat with him for another hour, Max sharing her stories of the shakes, and Cindy offering suggestions based on what she knew from her friend with epilepsy. Alec had never felt so cared for in his life.  
            The warm feeling in his chest remained there for the rest of the day.  
 _…………  
The new obsession will fade in time.  
A thin reminder of the past now, all convoluted; hardly ready to go.  
Their whines and moans will never last now, I think you've given us our fill this time.  
Come on! Can't you just leave it alone? It doesn't have any soul!  
Just find a thing of your own and stop pretending to know.  
…………  
_  
            The next day, he was operating as if nothing had happened, and with good reason. His spirits were higher than they had been since he thought he trapped Ben…and there was more good news: Ben hadn’t been bothering him since the previous morning.  
            Apparently the shakes drove him away.  
            He felt light hearted, and nearly two weeks passed in this manner. Alec was passing for normal, flirting, messing around, and chilling with friends. He never knew life could be like this…  
            In the back of his head, Ben’s words still haunted him; what if he was suppressing a vicious side? Did he want to meet him? Could he break through Manticore’s torture to find out? Could the two halves become whole? All of that he pondered while reaching out, re-establishing connections he had dropped for fear they would discover that he wasn’t quite right.  
            And he kept busy, hacking government records, trying to compile a databank on his species, their medical quirks, their psych evaluations… in a world this unforgiving, knowledge was power. And who knows, it could come in handy if anyone he cared for ( _coughMAXcoughcoughhack_ ) ended up injured; there wasn’t anything of use for undoing reindoctrination.  
            And while he was waiting for Max to realize he was her ( _friends, we’re friends._ ), whatever he wanted them to be, he dallied. He messed around.  
            Of course, the morning a few days later, when two of his paramours discovered each other wasn’t very pleasant. And the fact Max overheard his infamous line was not any better. But the worst by far was while on their run. Not only had he managed to throw himself off his bike—as if he wasn’t trying to impress Max—but it was the rich part of town. He hated it there, it made him feel uneasy, probably because he was practically broke. But Max was there, and he could hide it under their usual bantering, acting what she thought was normal. Until she told him to go ring the bell.   
            The warm feeling abruptly popped, and the cold, dark filled his chest again. Because Ben was leaning against the bell, wire-rim glasses perched on his nose, immaculately dressed. “You can’t keep me locked forever. Everything comes back to haunt you.”  
            “Alec?”  
            He couldn’t hear her over the piano concerto playing in his head.  Ben just laughed.  
  
 _…………_  
 _As it's blown apart, hundreds thrown away; makes me question just what I believe._  
 _Brothers torn apart, mindless drones enslaved;_  
 _Makes me search for an answer I don't want to know._  
 _It's like a plague from below, killing all that I know! One hundred voices the same,_  
 _Drench their sorrow in flame._  
 _All searching for the answers they don't even care to know! Give it to me! Give it to me!_  
 _You like it? Tell me you like it!_  
 _…………_


	9. Decadence

_…………  
Say! Yes, they know that you’ve hurt yourself another time.  
Don't they know that you're full of pain already? Yes, they know that you've hurt yourself another time. Decadence isn't easy, is it?   
…………_  
  
            “Alec!”  
            The music was so loud…  
            “ Hey! Hey!”  
            Her worried pitch tore his eyes from Ben, and he tried to remember what she had said. It wasn’t working. “What?”  
            She gave him  _the Look_ , her very own patented way of making him feel like an idiot. “The buzzer? You know, the little button right there beneath the sign that says ‘Please ring buzzer for entrance’?”  
            He swallowed hard, stepping closer to the bell…and Ben. His doppelganger was chuckling, cleaning his glasses with a kerchief from his jacket pocket. If he hadn’t been smiling as he was, Alec knew even  _he_  wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference between them.  
            “Oh, I don’t bite, little brother. Go on, ring it.” Ben goaded, slipping the glasses back on.  
            But the chill that had climbed from his stomach was now crawling up his spine. And he could swear he had seen security cameras… _Don’t look, don’t be obvious!_  
            He pressed the button, stepping back quickly, as if he had been burned. More flashes clouded his vision, and he shook them away, exclaiming, “No one’s home.”  
            Max caught him by the sleeve, “Give ‘em a chance. From the looks of this place, it probably takes ten minutes just to get from the kitchen to the front door.”  
            He fidgeted at her side for another half a minute before he couldn’t take it any more—and he  _knew_  he heard a security camera turning. “Ok, there. No one’s home.” He grabbed the small box from Max and, ignoring the ‘fragile’ stickers, tossed it over the ten foot fence. “Let’s go.” He said as he picked up his bike.  
            Max, predictably, tried to stop him. “We didn’t get a signature!”  
            “Yeah, get the signature!” Ben crowed, flashing him a double thumbs up. “Way to get a bounty on your head!”  
            Alec tore his eyes from Ben and glared down at Max, “I said, let’s go.” It was the tone he used back at Manticore, when things needed to be  _done_  and it had the same effect on Max as it had on everyone else. She followed him with a backward glance at the house.  
            “Ok, we’re gone. What was that?” she asked, bringing her bike up next to his.  
            He ignored her.  _What did I just step into?_ As always, instead of an answer, Ben laughed.  
 _…………  
Then you slowly recall all your mind… Why, your soul's gone cold, and all hope has run dry!  
Dead inside, never enough to forget that you're one of the lonely. Slowly recall all your mind…  
…………_  
  
            It took him nearly three hours to decide to keep Joshua’s dinner date. He had been weighing the pros and cons all afternoon, and decided that, despite his mood, he should be there for his friend. Especially since ‘friend’ was such a new term to apply to the dog-boy.  
            What he hadn’t counted on—perhaps out of stupidity—was Logan being there. He was just getting comfortable dealing with his demon publicly; he didn’t want to think what could happen sitting near the man who stole his fema…  
            “Since when was Max yours?” Ben queried, picking at a burnt piece of hotdog.  
            Alec used his fork to shove his food around, frowning deeper.  _Forget it. Go away. You know the rules, not when I’m out._  
            “But I’m curious!” Ben complained, still wearing the getup from earlier, “Do you feel like this cause Manticore made her your breeding partner? Whole best match thing?”  
 _Like I’d actually want to settle down with that cunt!_  Alec stabbed his pasta viciously, just barely keeping his snarl down.  _Now, **go away**_.  
            “Ah, bro, but it’s so interesting! I thought you had denial issues before, but now…”  
            “Hey Max, can you pass the ketchup please?” Alec said over the end of Ben’s sentence, which only made his twin laugh harder.  
            Max paused, holding the bottle up like a game show hostess, and Alec knew this wasn’t going to go well. “Oh, you mean this unique ketchup unlike any other?”  
            That was it. He tossed his fork down, “Why don’t you lay off, huh?” After a moment, and with Ben laughing in his ears, Alec decided  _away_  was the best place to be. “I got to stretch my legs.” And he stood, storming out of the room and into the hall, heading for the bathroom.  
            As he shut the door, he could hear his friends chastise Max…including, unless his ears deceived him, Logan. Part of him shuttered; he didn’t want that man defending him for any reason.   
            Alec sat on the closed toilet seat, and dropped his head in his hands. After a long moment, he looked back up, glaring at the mirror across from him. “You’ve used Max enough. I’ll kill you if you do it again.”  
            Ben grinned at him. “Now  _that_  I’d like to see.”  
            His teeth clenched, but Alec kept his composure. “Why was the house so familiar?”  
            Ben lost his grin, his expression turning deadly serious in an instant. “Fuck, are you sure you want to dig in there?”  
            The concern was odd and out of place for his personal demon, but Alec shrugged it off. “I need to know.” He knew that Ben understood the other reason, that he needed to make sure he and his kin were safe.  
            After a minute, Ben gave what was barely a casual shrug, and opened the bathroom door, heading down the hall. Alec followed, feet silent against the dusty floor boards. At the end of the hall was a door, like a pantry. Ben opened that one too, and started down the stairs it revealed. Alec was only a second behind him, mirroring his steps with eerie precision learned from years of walking mine fields.  
            The basement was musty and threatened to make him sneeze, but he didn’t care. There was a familiar shape under one of the tarps, and he started towards it, ignoring Ben’s attempt to stop him.  
            Flipping back the dust cloth revealed piano keys. And actually seeing them made him want to press them. The ivory keys felt smooth and loving against his fingers.  
            “Alec, wait!”  
            He ripped the dust cloth off the piano, and, ignoring the stained sheet music, set himself down on the stool. It was perfectly adjusted for him.  
            “You’re not ready for this!” Ben yelled at him, attempting to grab Alec’s hands away from the keys.  
            The moment Alec’s fingers touched the black and white bars, Ben lost his corporealness, vanishing down in a flash of smoke.  
            It was because Alec wasn’t at home, anymore. He was riding the music, lost in the deepest recesses of his mind…and he was remembering…   
 _He was at a piano, but it was black, and shiny—a Grande piano—and he was playing perfectly. His handlers were watching him, and he snuck a wink to the lab tech that had been tasked with teaching him the instrument. The poor man had less of a clue than 494 had when he was informed he’d be learning the piano, and 494 had worked out most of the basics from watching the YouTube videos the frantic tech had resorted to in desperation.  
            In a day, he had it mastered, earning the respect of his handlers and securing the mission as his. He knew it was a plumb assignment, but it was very specific; they had only pulled the lean, light transgenic males for photo comparison of who they would replace.  
            It was a simple mission, really. Assume the identity of concert pianist Simon Lehane and integrate himself with the seventeen-year-old daughter, Rachel, to get close to the target, Robert Berrisford. Lehane had been ridiculously easy to replace, the man was weak, and wouldn’t use his precious hands to prevent himself from being killed. Manticore originally had wanted the young prodigy to die of a heart attack, but after 494 drew the mission, they adapted parameters to fit his modus operandi; Lehane was found hanging in his apartment, his last words scribbled on stray music papers. He was buried under the name Lex Simone, all of his identification having been replaced by the Manticore assassin.  
            Thankfully, Manticore supplied everything he would need—they even gave him identical glasses to complete the look. Glancing in the mirror, he decided he liked them; they made his eyes look more blue-green then hazel.  The entire infiltration was easy, and he had everyone fooled, even himself—_  
            The memories came fast and furious, and, bidden by some unknown impulse, he reached into his pocket.  Her locket was there. He couldn’t remember putting it there, they had taken all of his mission affects, the locket was gone. Manticore had burned it.  
            “No, they didn’t.” Ben said, and Alec was whisked back into his mind.  
 _“Rachel!” He was running forward, but the explosion was too hot, and he jumped back; fire and him never mixed well.  And in his horror, unable to scent from the burning, arid smoke, he could hear an SUV pull up, and saw his handler holding an identical trigger button.  
            There were armed men getting out of the car.  
            494 bolted, blurring past the slow human guards and taking off into the sprawling estate that the Berrisford manse rested on. He dodged around, hitting the farthest edge of the property before dropping to his knees, ripping the dirt from the ground with his bare hands.  
            They would take it if they found it, and some part of her needed to survive. She had changed him…  
            Her locket was buried on her very property, and 494 reluctantly headed back towards the manse, unwilling to lead them to the secret burial. Five guards caught him as he broke through the foliage on the far end of the estate, and one managed to get a stun stick up, hitting him in the face. 494 fought on instinct, requiring another five men to subdue him enough to drag him to the car.  
            And then Sandoval was yelling at him, and that red light was cutting out pieces of his brain—_  
            Alec stared at the locket, still lost in his own head.  _This is where you came from._  
            “Yep.” Ben acknowledged, sitting next to him on the bench. “They fucked you up good.” He placed a hand on his shoulder.  
            Alec leapt to his feet, pinning him against the far wall, snarling.  
            He was bodily thrown against the piano, and the cacophony of notes snapped him out of his delirium. Joshua. Oh god, he had attacked Joshua. “Sorry… Sorry, man.”  
            Max was glaring at him. “What the hell was that?”  
            “Nothing.” He said, glancing to see if Ben was gone; he was. But that reminded him—he patted himself down, glancing around frantically for the locket—  
            Joshua was dangling the charm in front of his face. “You alright?” he asked, ever the most insightful of all his friends.  
            It was all he could do not to snatch the precious piece of metal from his hand. “Yeah, I’m always alright.” He cleared his throat, not wanting to be there a second longer. “Thanks for dinner.”  
            He could hear Ben laughing at him as he shoved the necklace in his pocket and bolted up the stairs. But he couldn’t deal with it now; he had botched a mission and  _forgotten_. He had killed Ra…her.  
 _…………  
If I scare you now, don't run from me! I've been hiding my pain, you see!  
Said if I scare you now, don't run from me! I've been hiding my pain, you see!  
…………_  
  
            The drive back to his apartment was an eternity. All he wanted was a scotch and to forget this whole thing happened. His heart was aching, his mind was a mess, and he didn’t even have Ben to talk to; his twin had gone to some dark part to wait the whole mess out.  
            Rachel. The name tore at him like thorns. He had loved her, he knew that now. It also explained a ton of his actions; he was a man mourning without knowing what he was mourning for. Knowing wasn’t soothing the ache, though; it made it center stage, and it was reveling in the lime light.  
            His phone rang, and Alec rolled his eyes, fully expecting it to be Max, reaming him out for his pain. Damn, Joshua had been the one he lashed out at, and the guy had seen through it instantly!  
            He pressed the send button, raising his phone to his ear, “Yo.”  
            There was a minute pause, and then a piano began playing. It was the song,  _her_  song…  
            Ben slammed the phone shut, ending the call. “What the fuck are you doing? They could be tracing your number!” But Alec just stood there, staring at where his phone had been, the music still playing in his head. With an expression more akin to one of Alec’s, Ben bustled forward, muttering , “No, no, no.” While attempting to elicit some response from his twin. “You can’t shut down, man. You’ll kill us both. Come on, it’s a prank. You’ll see, Rachel can’t be there. She’d have tried to find you.”  
            “She hated me.”   
            Ben breathed a sigh, chuckling a little. “Thought I lost you there.” He slapped Alec on the shoulder. “And she never hated us. She was pissed as all hell, but she never hated us. And didn’t she have a right to be?”  
            Alec shot him a look. “Like it would have all had a happy ending. Stop lying to me.”  
            “I’m not. She loved you, and you know that.” He paused, wracking his thoughts. “And she wasn’t like that, you know. She would never prank you, no matter how much you think she hates you. Especially not like that. She was too sweet.”  
            “Then who was playing? Who found me?” Alec felt himself getting pissed. “Who’s  _fucking_ with me?”  
            “We should find out.” Ben said, sudden realization dawning on his features.  
            Alec mirrored them. “We should.”  
            “After all—”  
            “—know your enemy.” Alec finished to the empty room. He downed the rest of his scotch as he pulled on his jacket and headed towards the edge of Seattle.  
…………  
  
            The fact he had seen her had scared him to the point of calling out of work. He didn’t want to know, he wished he could take back the last two days.  
            It was bad enough Ben was sticking around, but now he was haunted by phantom pianos, and a breathy laugh in his ear that left the scent of honeysuckle and violets, her favorite flowers.  He was working through his third bottle of scotch when he heard Ben calling him from the bathroom. Sighing, he stood from his couch, and, finishing his shot, wandered to the bathroom; he had to piss anyway.  
            “Stop doing this!” Ben implored from the mirror. “You’re killing yourself! This is not what’s supposed to happen!”  
            “Fuck off.” Alec muttered, having a difficult time seeing straight enough to hit he bowl.  
            “You never had language like that before.”   
            He whirled back to the mirror, but only his reflection was there, no woman was anywhere in the vicinity. So who had he heard…?  
            He turned on the water, splashing the cold spray onto his face. And when he looked back up—  
            There was a woman in the mirror. It was—  
            He spun, only to be confronted with an empty room. He glanced back, only Ben stared at him, looking terrified.  Alec snarled, and slammed his fist into the mirror.  Sometimes, he wished they had just put him down; he was pain, he was suffering…  
            He was Death.  
 _…………_  
 _Slowly recall all your mind. Why, your soul's gone cold, and all hope has run dry!_  
 _Dead inside, never enough to forget that you're one of the lonely!_  
 _Slowly recall all your mind… Slowly recall all your mind!_  
 _…………_


	10. Inside the Fire

_…………  
Nah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  
Devon won't go to heaven; she's just another lost soul about to be mine again.  
Leave her, we will receive her. It is beyond your control will you ever meet again.  
…………_  
  
            Max had this thing about staring at him. He wasn’t making it up; she was doing it right now.  Alec sighed, dropping his head to the bar as he flagged the bartender down for another shot. Beside him, Ben sat oddly silent and contemplative over his imitation scotch. Oh, he was sure it was real to Ben, but there was no second glass on the bar. He had double checked. Maybe that was why Max was staring at him…  
            Despite the din, he heard her approach, and silently wished she had stuck with the staring. It took her a minute to speak, “Call me crazy but I got the feeling you’re in some kind of jam.”  
            “Wow. Her powers of observation are  _astounding_.” Ben snarked, sipping his drink.  
            Alec did the same, refusing to look at Max. “Ok, you’re crazy.”  
            She didn’t go away. “What about the locket?” She asked, glancing around as if to see if he had it on him. “Steal it or something? I went back to the house to get a signature, saw the locket you’ve got in a portrait and now I’m all curious.”  
            She was getting on his last nerve. Ben put a cautioning hand on his arm, and Alec settled for taking another sip. “Curiosity killed the cat, Max.” he looked right at her, letting a little of the mask he wore slid, “Stay out of my business.” He warned.   
            “If I know little sister, that’s not the end of it.”  
 _I told you not to call her that!_  Alec thought angrily, and at that moment, he very much wanted to be  _not there_.  
            Max sighed. Fuck, she was still there. “Fine. You know, we don’t always get along…”  
            Alec couldn’t hide the derisive snort, “Nicely understated. Barkeep!” he called, waving his empty glass.  
            For once, Max didn’t run. “But if you’re in some kind of trouble,” She started, stepping closer to the bar in an attempt to get his attention. “and you need my help, then you should ask now, and not wait till it’s too late and everything’s all messed up like you usually do.”  
            “She really can’t say  _anything_  without insulting us…” Ben mused, looking vaguely entertained. “What a bitch.”  
            Alec hid his smirk well. “Well, I appreciate the offer, Max, I really do. But you don’t know what you’re talking about.” And she didn’t. If she thought this breakdown was just because of Berrisford, she was in for a rude awakening.  
            “Then explain it to me.”  
            “To be a fly on the wall for  _that_  conversation.” Ben smirked. “I mean, admitting you’re an assassin is one thing; psychotic on the other hand…”  
            Alec resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I would, see, but you wouldn’t understand.” He chuckled, ignoring her slightly alarmed expression. “ You  _can’t_  understand, you weren’t there. You ran,” he said, pointing at her with an accusing finger, “you and your little rug rat brothers and sisters. You think life was tough when we were ten? A little schooling, a little brainwashing, some maneuvers outside, you think that was tough?”   
            “It sucked pretty hard.” She admitted weakly.  
            Alec sat back; there was no way she could ever understand. “Well, take it from me, later on it got a whole lot worse. But you did what you had to do, and you try to forget.” He swallowed hard. “ _And when you couldn’t forget, they had ways of making you not care._.” He was aware that Ben had just said the exact same thing, but ignored him for the moment; he shouldn’t start acting like a reflection  _now_.  
            “I’m sorry.” It was meek, an admission that she didn’t know everything. It was a huge step.  
            But Alec was not in the mood. “I don’t want your pity,” He snapped, “ I want your absence.”  
            He didn’t need to watch her to know she was reeling from the acid he had sent her way. “I’ll leave you alone.”, it was barely a whisper, and the pain in her voice almost made him rethink talking…  
            Ben grasped his shoulder in a companionable way. “She would never understand. Maxie has an issue with killing.”  
            Alec shrugged him off, using the move to grab his coat and toss down his tab, heading out the side door.  
 _…………  
Devon, one of eleven who had been rendered unwhole as a little child;  
She was taken, and then forsaken.  
You will remember it all; Let it fill your mind again.  
…………_  
  
            Getting mugged was not high on Alec’s priorities. The fact the men had called him “Simon Lehane” made this particular entanglement in the bottom rung. And they hadn’t fought fair; quite honestly, if Max hadn’t come to his rescue by pulling the guy with the Taser off him, he might not have walked away. How the hell did all these people know that electroshock was the one thing that they couldn’t be trained to withstand?  
            But how had he repaid her? By telling her to stay the hell away from him.  
            He smacked his head against his wall, trying to get himself to think. Rather unhelpfully, Ben was on the couch, watching tv. “How can you be so calm?” He yelled, kicking his coffee table.  
            Ben raised an eyebrow, pausing in his channel surfing. “Because Rachel is most likely dead. Those guys worked for her dad, remember?”  
            And he did. But Alec didn’t want to hear that. “Why do I suck with every woman I love? Don’t you even start.” He warned, as Ben opened his mouth. His figment just shut his mouth, holding his hands up in a ‘sorry’ gesture. “I need to find out what happened with Rachel.” He said, going for the door and his coat.  
            Ben stood, remote still in hand, “Do you honestly think that will help you with Max?” His voice was pleading. “Going there will only get us killed, and that’s not what I’m here for.”  
            Alec’s eyes narrowed. “And why exactly are you here?”  
            Ben glared. “Until you join me, I’m here.”  
            “You make no sense.” Alec decided, heading towards the door. Ben just heaved a sigh, and followed him…all the way to the Berrisford Mansion.  
 _…………_  
 _Sever, now and forever. You're just another lost soul about to be mine again._  
 _See her, you'll never free her; you must surrender it all if you'd like to meet again._  
 _Fire, for your desire. As she begins to turn cold for the final time,_  
 _You will shiver till you deliver; you will remember it all, Let it fill your mind again._  
 _…………_

            “You know…if you wanted to commit suicide, a shaking guy with a gun is not how I’d do it.” Ben remarked from the back of his mind, but Alec shoved the thought down.  
            “What are you going to do now?” It was pretty obvious what Robert was planning to do, but talking always made him feel better. And the confirmation would be great.  
            And Robert looked at him like he was an idiot. “What do you think I’m going to do?” he raised his gun, the barrel shaking as he attempted to aim over Alec’s heart.  
            Slow bleed out, not his preference in going out. “Tell me one thing first,” he asked, desperate. It was both a stall and a plea for information. They never told him what happened to her, they only told him he failed before they tortured him.  
            “…She fell into a coma, she never woke up. She’s been dying for two years.” Alec’s blood ran cold; she was in purgatory. “You have any idea what you’ve done?” Robert’s voice had risen to fever pitch.  
 _Yea, as I walk in the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the God of Death, and this is **my**  valley, baby_. “What’re you waiting for?” Alec yelled, “I deserve it. Kill me!” Berrisford hesitated. “Do it!” Robert’s finger was on the trigger, and Alec closed his eyes, ready for the silence…  
            There was a thud, and Robert Berrisford dropped at his feet. Alec snapped his eyes open, glaring at the interruption even as she worked at his bindings. “What are you doing here?”  
            “Saving your ass. I told you to ask for my help before it was too late and you messed everything up.” Max announced, undoing the last of the ropes holding him.  
            He didn’t want to tell her he could have gotten out at any time; it didn’t matter. Right now,  _she_  didn’t matter.  _You can’t move forward if you’re not done you’re your past._  “Max, I told you to leave me alone.” He said, bolting from the chair. He could scent her, he knew she was there…just there!  
            He rounded the corner and heard the beep of a heart monitor, the metal breath of the machines breathing for her. He nearly didn’t make it to her bedside before he burst into tears. “I shoulda tried harder, Rachel. I shoulda fought them. I didn’t understand…I didn’t understand how much I loved you!”  
            At his side, Ben put a comforting hand on his shoulder. But the sensation was fleeting, and Alec felt it disappear like nothing more than a wisp of smoke as he poured out his heart to the woman who could never respond.  
 _…………  
Devon lies beyond this portal, take the word of one immortal!  
Give your soul to me for eternity! Release your life to begin another time with her!  
End your grief with me, there's another way. Release your life,  
take your place inside the fire with her!  
………….._  
  
            When he looked in the mirror, he saw Ben. When he entered a room, he expected his dead twin to be there. But, when Alec had returned home from the Berrisford’s manse, Ben had been  _gone_.  The shock had hit him like a mallet, and he had been bitten too many times to trust that his hallucination had just left like that. That he had possibly overcome his insanity by confronting his feelings about Rachel.  
            In all actuality, he was waiting for his next break. If Ben had been trying to tell him about his botched mission/first love, then A plus. Mission accomplished.  
            Somehow, it didn’t seem that easy.  
            But he returned to work, ready to put the incident behind him. However long this sanity would last, he was going to appreciate it.   Alec had just finished his runs for the day when Max caught up with him. “Hey.”  
            It sounded as awkward as some of his worst morning after’s. “Hey, Max.”  
            Thankfully, she just went into it. “Listen, if you ever wanna talk…”  
            “About what?” he asked, feigning ignorance.  
            “About anything?” She sounded frustrated.  
            He thought it was adorable. “Now why would I wanna do that?” he teased, but only just.  
            Max sighed, her ability to overcome this awkward situation clearly outpaced, “Just consider the offer open.”  
            He paused, and took a breath, reigning in the random emotions that were causing him to lash out. “Alright. Listen…thanks for saving my ass.” He said, giving her a small smile.  
            She was still looking at him, concerned. “You’re alright?”  
            Alec chuckled, half in awe of her complete lack of insight. He caught his reflection in the mirror, winking at it; he wasn’t looking at himself. “ _I’m Always Alright._ ” Ben said for him, smirking and heading towards the door.  
            Because he couldn’t lie to her and he wasn’t sure anymore. He wasn’t sure where he ended and Ben began, and he was only hanging on by one weak ass string. He just hoped Max’d never find out how close it had been to breaking.  
 _…………._  
 _Devon, no longer living, who had been rendered unwhole as a little child._  
 _She was taken, and then forsaken. You will remember it all,_  
 _Let it fill your mind again. (Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…)_

_……..._


	11. Perfect Insanity

            “Have you ever heard of multiple personality?” The question caused more of a pause then Sketchy had been expecting. “Dude, seriously.”  
            Cold, hard green eyes focused on the stoner, and Sketchy found himself truly fearing for his life. Which was stupid, this was  _Alec_.  
            “No.” The voice was flat, emotionless, and, if Sketchy was any judge, totally lying. But before he could make an issue of it, Alec had already slammed his locker, shouldered his bag and was walking away with a purpose that spoke of eminent harm to anyone who stopped his progression.  
            Shrugging, Sketchy penciled a ‘no’ on his worksheet and sighed. Alec had been the one to encourage him to take the classes at the local community college, now he wouldn’t even help him with homework?  
            With a sigh, Sketchy paused, scanning the room. Immediately, his eyes alighted on Max and Original Cindy, both of who were watching Alec’s departure with mixed expressions. “Hey, hey, guys! I gotta question for you!”  
…………  
 _Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ow!  
Come inside and be afraid of this impressive mess I've made;  
If you take a look now you will find I have thrown away my prize;  
Done away with paradise. See what's going on inside my mind._  
 **Please let me out! Please let me out! Please let me!**  
…………  
  
            The door slamming behind him was less of a relief, because Ben knew that he had fucked up. And fucked up big time.  “What the hell was that?!” Alec yelled, shoving his shoulder. “I  _know_  that guy spends most of his time stoned, but that was just  _stupid_!”  
            Ben sighed, and then shoved Alec back. “Then  _you_  deal with it! Stop going on auto-pilot, because yours is seriously fucked up. I’m tired of stepping in!”  
            Alec snarled back at him, shoving him one-handed back into the mirror. Ben sat there, frowning and rubbing at his ass; there had yet to be a single time that Alec had put him away  _gently_ , and he was starting to resent it.  
            “I think I need to see someone.”  
            The words sent shivers through Ben’s spine, and terror fought to take control. “I don’t think you need to do that.”  
            Alec chuckled at the words, pouring himself a scotch and downing it in one go. “Of course you wouldn’t…but,” He turned, fully facing the mirror, “Sketchy may have brought up an accidental—but excellent—diagnosis.”  
            Well, this was not going the way it was supposed to. “You know, most psychologists agree that there is no such  _thing_  as multiple personality disorder, and that most of the recorded cases have been hysterics who were coerced into believing they had other people…” He trailed off; he had lost Alec from almost the get-go.  
            “You told me about Rachel,” Alec started, not meeting his eyes, “your work is done.”  
            Anger flared, and Ben saw red. He charged the mirror, snarling, “You are an arrogant  _fuck_ , 494!” He growled. “You haven’t remembered a  _third_  of the things you’ve done, and trust me, killing an innocent girl is the least of your  _sins_.”  
            Part of him was pleased to see Alec step back from the mirror, looking terrified. Another was worried, because even  _he_  couldn’t tell who had cracked the reflective glass separating them. And that meant Alec was losing control.  
  
…………  
 _Come inside, now I implore. Do you think you can restore the crucial pieces missing from my brain?  
What seems to be the matter dear? Why do you cry and shake with fear?  
I've only had the best dub me insane._  
 **Please let me out! Please let me out! Please let me!**  
…………  
  
            “Open up, Hot Boy!” Her knock was devastatingly loud to his sensitive ears, and Alec mentally cursed the limited hearing of all humans. “I know you’re in there!”  
            With a half-snarl, he stood from the couch, and strolled to the door, opening it but leaving the chain. “Wonderful. You have the deductive skills of Sherlock Holmes.”   With a slip of her wrist, she had her hand between the door and jam, and was unhooking the chain herself. Alec was impressed—granted, he could have snapped her wrist if he wanted, slamming the door was always an option, but her lack of candor made him smile.  He stepped back to allow her into the apartment, chuckling at her antics. “So what brings you to my humble abode?” He asked, leaning against the now closed door.  
            She rounded on him, and—for the second time in his life—he felt cornered; he felt like prey. “Sketchy was asking about some interesting things today.”  
            “Yeah, he’s taking psychology down at county.” Alec replied flippantly, holding up a spare glass. “Scotch?”  
            “Don’t be stingy.” She said, settling herself on his couch.   
            Alec frowned, but poured her a generous measure and then took both glasses to the couch. “So, Sketchy got you thinking, so you came here?”  
            She fixed him with her dark eyes. “Alec, do you remember where you were at lunch?”  
            The question threw him, and for a long moment, he just sat there, staring at her. And then he started to think.  She was patient, sipping her drink in no rush as he franticly wracked his brains for that flicker of memory. Twenty minutes later, he gave up, having even questioned Ben and coming up empty.  
            “Well,” She said, when he told her so, “You came to lunch with Max and me.” His stunned noise was cut off by her upheld hand. “It was odd, though, because you were out of it. Quiet, oddly polite…” By the look on her face, she was about to drop the bomb. “And you wouldn’t respond to ‘Alec’. The only way we got your attention was by calling you 494.”   
            “Long day.” Alec said, trying to brush it off. “And the whole name thing  _is_  still kinda new. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like mine.”  
            Cindy nodded thoughtfully, but Alec knew she had him. “Funny, because you don’t usually talk like a child when you’re out of it.”  
            “Oh fuck.” Ben muttered, stepping up behind Alec with a worried expression. “Uh, this is _not_  good.”  
            Alec just barely resisted the urge to grab his hallucination’s shoulders and shake him till he got an answer. “I do a lot of crazy shit when I’m high, Cindy.”  
            “You were not high and you know it. I’ve seen you out smoke Sketchy with no buzz to show for it. And if you stepped up your game, then we’re  _still_  going to have to sort this bitch out.”  
            Alec fixed her with a predatory stare, “And what,  _exactly_  do you think we need to sort out?”  
            Cindy had always known that Alec was more animal then human, and had made sure that while she didn’t treat him like a freak, she gave him the respect he deserved. And right now, her cold sweat, the racing of her heart—everything told him that she was fighting every instinct by staying.  
            “You are a multiple personality, Alec.” He started to scoff, but she pressed on, “I’ve seen you come out of it, looking confused at where you are, or worse, when you’re talking to your reflection…”  He stiffened, his stare intensified.  “I thought you may be schizophrenic, but today…” She shook her head. “Alec, honey, we need to get you help.”  
            He stood, leaning against the wall with his hands pressed against it, his face an inch from the peeling wallpaper. Beside him, Ben was shaking his head. “It’s a shame. I liked her.”  
            Cindy stared at him, alarm spreading across her features. “Excuse me?”  
            Alec paused, and then stared at Ben. She had heard him. “ _I_  didn’t say anything,” He started. She tried to cut him off, but he spun, pinning her with sharp green eyes. “I said,  _I_ didn’t say anything, but  _he_  did.” He jerked his head in Ben’s direction, vaguely aware that Cindy had been looking there, and seemed to see nothing.  
            “And just who is ‘he’?”  
            Ben was never one to ignore an invitation. “ _The name’s Ben._ ” He said, reaching out Alec’s hand to shake Cindy’s. She took it hesitantly, staring up at his face as if half expecting him to be putting her on.  He squeezed her hand, and she gasped, trying to pull away, dropping her scotch. “We’re dealing,” they said, slowly increasing the pressure, despite her cries of pain, “and we strongly suggest you mind your own fucking business.”  
            “ _He’s a killer, Cindy. You know it, I know it._ ”  
            Alec spun away from Cindy, glaring at Ben. “Unlike  _you_ , I was following orders. I was doing my  _job_.”  
            Ben grinned at him, the evil laugh swirling all around again. “ _Really? And you remember **everything**  you did on those missions?  **Everything**_?” Fear ripped through Alec, and he stood there, motionless, trying to come up with a response.  
            That was when he remembered Cindy was there.  
            “Jesus Fucking Christ, Alec!” She cried.   
            He stared at her, confused. “Cindy, why are you crying?”  
            She returned his stare with one of disbelief. “You nearly broke my hand, and then you started fighting with no one! And you were talking for both of you!” She shuddered, inching away from him. “You even  _sounded_  different! You need help!”  
            He blocked her path, confused, worried, but very clear that something had happened to spook her beyond belief. “Ok, you need to calm down and breathe. You just got here, when the hell did I do all that? And why the hell would I hurt you?”  
            Fear was a strong scent, and Cindy was exuding it in waves. “Alec, honey, you know I just want to help…”  
            He cocked an eyebrow. “Uh, yeah, sure. But I don’t think I need any help right now…and I think perhaps you need some sleep or to come down or something.”  
            She stared at him like he said something completely different. He was about to question it when she burst out, “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I swear.”  
            “Uh, good?” He questioned, cocking his head to one side. “Are you sure you’re ok?”  
            She moved to the door, scooting away from him, cradling one hand. “Yeah, sugah, I’m fine. I’ll see you at work.” And she made the most ungraceful exit he had ever seen her make.  
            Laughter tickled the edge of his hearing, and he frowned at the neighbor’s loud tv. Some people were just so inconsiderate…  
…………  
 _Branded like an animal! I can still feel the burn in my mind.  
I do believe that you made your message clear. (I think I'm losin' my mind, I think I'm losin' my mind!)  
Depriving, isolating all that I feel, leaving me with images I know are not real.  
Are those words of condemnation that I hear? (I think I'm losin' my mind, I think I'm losin' my!)  
Don't know how much I can take; Secret thoughts inside me wake.  
I've lost what was within me; Oh sweet insanity.  
Now I try again to find the thing that was my mind!  
Behold the undersigned; Who said I’ve lost my mind?_  
…………  
  
            Memories of the past few weeks were hard to picture, and harder to sort through once he had them. He found bloody clothes in his closet, tucked in a bag that was all prepped the way Manticore had taught him to burn things. He found his knives lay out on the table, cleaned, and recently sharpened. His guns had a similar treatment. The entire tableau had an eerie feeling, like he had just stepped into the den of a serial killer.  
            Walking into one’s home shouldn’t provoke such a response.  
            Out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement, but it was only his reflection. He let out the breath he had been unaware he was holding.  
            It was a nightmare. Something had woken him up, and he set about his usual Manticore routine; cleaning and striping his gear. It wasn’t the first time he had woken up with a gun-oil soaked rag in one hand and his Colt 1911 in the other.  
            Maybe that was what had spooked Cindy.  
  
            Alec shrugged, walking into his bed-room, determinedly not looking at his mirror.  Because inside, two near-identical men were watching him with an intensity that bordered on psychotic.  
            “Ok, why am I me, but I’m here?” Alec questioned, watching himself walk out.  
            Ben cocked his head to the side, giving a little shrug. “Panic, maybe? Self-defense, blocking out the part of you that knows what's going on to protect your image?”  
            Alec turned to him, frowning. “You mean the thing you were telling me you were trying to undo?”  
            “ _Now_  he gets it.” Ben muttered to no one in particular. “All I know is now you’ve got another you to pull back into, well, you.” He paused, giving Alec a once over. “That is if you’re really the dominant you.”  
            “Ok, this psychology talk is making my head hurt.”  
            “You better get over that quick,” Ben warned, looking back out the mirror, “Because if you’re gonna get through this intact and sane—which is doubtful, by the way—you’re going to be swimming in it.”  
            Alec joined him, frowning. “Great.”  
 _…………_  
 _Who said I’ve lost my mind? I've lost my mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my-_  
 _Mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my-_  
 _Mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost!_  
 _My mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my-_  
 _Mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my mind, I've lost my mind, I’ve lost my mind!_  
 _…………_


	12. I'm Alive

            Alec was in trouble.  
            Firstly, in his crazy, fucked up life, there was the case of the missing scotch. Oh, it didn’t seem like much, but there were  _four whole bottles_  that vanished. Secondly, there was the odd sensation that he was never alone. It was really starting to creep him out.  
            Thirdly, and arguably, the most important, he was currently in the clutches of the one person he would have much rather avoided.  
            “What? No ‘Smart Aleck’ today?” The man smiled, his eyes as cold and unfeeling as a shark. “You’re not getting out of this, 494. You’re going to tell me everything I want to know, and don’t even hope for a rescue. You’ve escaped me twice, and I’ve been  _itching_ to see you die a slow, horrible one.”  
            His heart was beating like a humming bird’s, and he  _knew_  that this whole situation, from the capture to his current reaction, was  _wrong_. Despite the realization, Alec felt himself grin. “Aw, shouldn’t you buy me flowers first?” He smirked, still smiling even after the backhand that knocked loose a tooth. Spitting out the blood and remaining bone, he felt his face grin wider. “Is that all you got? I’m a _trained_  fucking  _super soldier_. You want information? You’re gonna have to try a whole lot harder.” The grin faded, and Alec realized he was no longer in control of his own body.   
            Ames White snarled, and unleashed another backhand to Alec’s nose. Cartilage shattered and the force knocked Alec, and the chair, to the floor. “Where is 452?!”  
            It was as if he was watching himself on screen. Alec swallowed hard, and made a wish he was dreaming. The Alec in the overturned chair allowed his gaze to glass over, face blank, before replying, “Designation: 331845739494, rank: captain, United States Air force.”  
            White loosed a kick to Alec’s rib cage that definitely shattered something. “Where is she?”  
            “Designation: 331845739494, rank: captain, United States Air force.” The Alec in the chair responded, “Designation: 331845739494, rank: captain, United States Air force.”  
            White lost it after that, and, when he left the room fifteen minutes later, Alec was barely breathing.  
            “What the hell is going on?” Alec demanded, staring in horror at himself. He blinked. The image wasn’t going away.  He swallowed hard.  
 _…………_  
 _Never again will I be dishonored._  
 _And never again will I be reminded of living within the world of the jaded;_  
 _They kill inspiration, it's my obligation to never again, allow this to happen…_  
 _Where do I begin? The choices are endless: denying the sin, my art, my redemption…_  
 _I carry the torch of my fathers before me!_  
 _…………_

“It takes some getting used to, but you will.” Alec nearly leapt out of his skin, his gaze torn away from his broken, beaten form to alight on… “He’s stronger then you. He had to take over.”  
            “You’re…You’re…”  
            Ben sighed, rolling his eyes. “Are we seriously going to have to go through this again? We all share the same fucking brain, you’ve gotta be able to pick off what’s happened.”  
            Alec whimpered, shaking his head. “That’s me! And you’re dead!”  
            “Fuck this.” And with blurring speed, Ben leapt forward, deftly snapping the whimpering transgenic before him. Alec’s expression was frozen in shock, as his body dropped, dust before it hit the floor. “I knew I was fucked up, but that part of my personality I’d rather not come back.”  
            “I’d rather you not come back either.” Alec muttered, trying to pull himself into a more comfortable position. “And, to be honest, I’d rather this entire ordeal be done with.”  
            “We’re not done here yet.” Ben replied, stepping forward. “And you’re really close to completely breaking again. I’m not just in your reflection anymore.”  
            “Again.” Alec coughed. “Again. You’ll be back to mirrors in no time.” He managed a weak smile. “I still have a hard time believing my fractured mind is trying to repair itself.”  
            “You do inspire an odd loyalty,” Ben conceded, “which, speaking of, you may want to give up control for a bit.”  
            Alec looked up sharply. “Why the fuck would I do that? I swore you would never make me do shit again.”  
            Ben closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before replying, “White’s coming back.”  
            The fear in his brother’s eyes was enough to prove his point. “Tell him nothing.” Alec said, stepping back against the wall.  
            Ben forced his face around, Alec’s beaten body a prison for him. “Designation: 331845739494, rank: captain, United States Air force.”  
            “Good boy.” Alec muttered, closing his eyes and allowing full control to his inner demon.  
 _…………_  
 _I carry the gift that I have been blessed with._  
 _My soul is adrift in oceans of madness ; repairing the rift that you have created._  
 _I am not alone! Brothers, give me your arms now!_  
 _…………_

            It took White two full days to grow bored with his newest, and repetitive, toy.  Alec, to his credit, had not yielded anything more than his designation and rank, all he was trained to say under torture or duress.  
            Inside his head, another war was being waged. Every new bout of torture brought another aspect of his personality out from hiding, and Alec was finding his battle to be a never ending one. Brief respites were few, and often only when he was allowed water to keep him from expiring prematurely.  
            He had lost count of how many of himself he had taken out, absorbed, whatever one wanted to term it. He had lost count of how many times White had opened that steel door, new torture device in hand.  
            But, most importantly, Alec had lost his patience.  
            And when White opened the door that last time, one hand resting on his gun holster, he was not prepared for the thing that sat in chains.  
…………  
 _I'm no slave, Are you feeling brave or have you gone out of your mind?_  
 _No more games; it won't feel the same if I hold my anger inside!_  
 _There's no meaning, my soul is bleeding; I've had enough of your kind!_  
 _One suggestion: use your discretion before you label me blind!_  
 _…………_

The second he entered the room, Ames knew that something was Not Right. Not just ‘not right’, no, there was capitalization. And that meant that someone, somewhere, had fucked up.  
            He knew it was him the second he watched Alec deliberately fold his crushed and abused hand and slide it free of his shackles.  White barely had time to draw his gun before the freed end of the chain whipped him across the face, smashing his nose and cheek, and sending him sprawling. There was no pain, but he spat out a mouthful of blood, baring red stained teeth.  
            494’s snarl was more intimidating.  
            Ames was just realizing how sharp transgenic canine teeth were when Alec slammed the chain down again, this time on the back of White’s head. Oddly enough, the world did color itself white before he could shake his head, and clear his vision.  
            The head wound was worrisome. Yes, he felt no pain, but his brain was possibly the least enhanced for combat; no brain could be prepared to withstand countless concussions. Ideally, ordering this one’s execution from several rooms away was looking to be the best option.  
            His captive, however, had other opinions. “You have no idea how you lost this, do you?” Alec slammed his knee into White’s face, leaving him dazed, but the Familiar shook it off quickly. Alec had him by the throat, holding him so his feet dangled. “Well, let me give you a little secret.” He leaned in close, so White could feel his breath upon his ear. “You’ll never take me alive. And guess what.”  
            White swallowed, eyes following Alec as he moved back into his field of vision. He threw a punch, only to have his arm broken, falling limply at his side. White felt the cold edge of panic creeping in.  
            “I’m alive.” Alec breathed.  White felt a dull pain in his abdomen, and then darkness swallowed him.  
 _…………_  
 _The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away!_  
 _There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice to change myself, I'd rather die,_  
 _Though they will not understand. I won't make the greatest sacrifice;_  
 _You can't predict where the outcome lies! You'll never take me alive!_  
 _I'm alive!_  
 _…………_

            494 stumbled blindly, limply through the dark Seattle streets, his wounds throbbing, his face pretty much unrecognizable.  
            Some part of his mind reminded him he would have to call out of work; being seen like this would raise some bad questions. Another reminded him that he needed tryptophan to prevent the shakes; healing always caused them if he wasn’t healthy enough.  
            A third part of his mind called out that he was pretty much  _never_  healthy enough.  
            It didn’t matter though, because the flesh knew what the shattered brain would only accept when the war was over.  
 _I’m alive…_  
 _…………_  
 _I'm alive!_  
 _I'm alive!_  
 _I'm alive!_  
 _…………_


	13. Voices

…………  
 _So, are you breathing?_  
…………  
  
            He stumbled far, his brain at war with itself even as his body fought off infection and wounds that bleed from the inside. Every time he closed his eyes, the mantra started up again—  
…………  
 _Are you breathing? So, are you breathing?  
No!  
Wake up, are you alive? Will you listen to me?  
I'm gonna talk about some freaky shit now.  
Someone is gonna die when you listen to me.  
Let the living die, 1et the living die!  
_ …………  
  
            —forcing him into consciousness, and on he would move. His entire body felt as if it was on fire, his face a mass of yellowing bruises and swelling that hadn’t receded quite yet.  
            And what was worse, he could sense that he was still fractured. The many in his brain had quieted to a handful now, and he was more aware then ever of how close to the edge of insanity he was standing.  
………… _  
What's up? I wonder why? Do you listen to me?  
I'm gonna make you do some freaky shit now!  
 **Insane, you're gonna die w** hen you listen to me.  
Let the living die, let the living die!  
_…………  
  
            And the voices were so tempting. So…so…so tempting…  
            The rational part of him was backed with insanity, but it held strong, holding tight against the onslaught of cries, memories and images. Every time they had forced him through reindoctrination, his brain had shut part of itself off, another aspect of his personality.  
            And 494 was an alpha. Every part of his personality could reflect that. Part of him was surprised he was even surviving, considering the brutality of some of his memories, and similarly, his personalities.  
            And still, they chanted at him—  
………… _  
Can't you imagine how good going through this will make you feel?_ _I promise, no one will ever know…_

_There will be no chance of you getting caught…They never loved you anyway!_

_What do you say?_ _So come on, be a man, and do what you are compelled to do…_

_Save Me God!!!_  
…………  
  
            “Save me, God!!” Alec screamed out, falling down where he stood, water flying up from his mass displacing the puddle.  
            “Joshua! Help me get him up!”  
            The voice was Original Cindy’s, and Alec felt a deep guilt rising in his gut. He remembered fragments of what transpired the last time they had met, and was embarrassed he had not yet pulled himself together to remember the whole thing.  
            A musky scent overpowered the blood from his shattered nose, and Alec knew that he was being carefully lifted by his dog-friend. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, and if they did, he couldn’t tell.  
            Original Cindy was talking to him, trying to keep him conscious. He was slightly worried about that too, because the voices were still screaming in his head, and he wanted them gone! He was both further along and falling behind on his goal; it had been easier when he was only piecing one part of himself together at a time.  
            “Hot Boy, come on, what's going on?” Cindy could see he was listening, but certainly not to her. “Alec, please, what’s going on?”  
            “I can hear the voices!” He whispered, his voice harsh from disuse and then abuse. “I can hear the voices, but I don’t want to listen!” He curled in on himself, crying out against the pain in caused but unable to stop. “Tell me I’ll be alright!”  
            Cindy’s hand was cool against his forehead. “You’ll be fine, sugar. Don’t you worry. Sleep.”  
            “But—“  
………..  
 _I can hear the voice but I don't want to listen! Strap me down and tell me I'll be alright!  
I can feel the subliminal need to be one with the voice and make everything alright!  
_ …………  
  
            Her hand was on his chest, and she was leaning over to feel for his breath as he dropped into unconsciousness. “Alec? Are you ok?” Her voice was fading, others were taking it over. “Please, Alec, are—”  
…………  
 _Are you breathing, no? Do the wicked see you?_  
 _You still breathing? You're making me known._  
 _Are you breathing, no? Do the wicked see you? You still breathing?_  
 _…………_  
  
            “It’ll…take…a lot more…then that…to stop…me…breathing…” Alec groaned, much to Cindy’s surprise. “You…won’t…win.”  
            And that was what lit the small spark of hope in Original Cindy’s heart. Maybe, just maybe, Hot Boy would survive this.


	14. Conflict

            It was nearly three weeks since Alec’s escape from White’s clutches. And in those weeks?  
            Alec snorted, pulling himself up the wall, finding handholds on the ceiling above the drop point. Max became an echasketch, and before that, had the brilliant idea to tell Logan they were together.. His best friend was murdered, he himself was accused of murder. Ben was cleaning up the last of the wayward personalities (possibly out of guilt for getting Alec arrested).  
            If he had been less absorbed in regaining sanity and fighting the justice system, he would have noticed there was a rather large build up. Something was going to happen no matter which direction he fell, or what choices the transgenics would make. They were keeping a low profile, ducking police and feds with a greater paranoia than before, and they were certainly not waving guns around.  
            It would figure a rescue mission gone wrong would be what tipped the entire thing past breaking point.  
…………  
 _You are Enemy! You are my hated enemy!  
I am Enemy! Number one rated enemy!  
I'm a labeled Enemy! I am your mortal enemy!  
My actions—Enemy! Make me your bitter enemy!_  
…………  
  
            Anticipation flooded through his being, every muscle tense, and his injured arm throbbing. In his head, Ben was whispering last minute details, things that Max would never think of, could never think of.  
            He could feel the trembling of Joshua’s strong arms as the transhuman clung to the same support beam he did. Further down the hall, resting on a filing cabinet, was Max. From this angle, her face was in beautiful, fierce profile, her eyes hungry for combat, and her body tightly coiled.  
            Alec wanted nothing more than to drop down and grab her, drag her back to his place…  
 _You made it to friend, be happy._  Ben whispered in his ear, no more than a voice floating in his head,  _And keep your mind on what you’re about to fight!_  
 _I’ve got this._  
 _You’re not even half-way complete yet! And with what happened last time you were with White…_  
            Alec felt himself smirk with the memory.  _I plastered his face to the wall. So what?_  
 _Just make sure your violence doesn’t turn you into me. Cause then I don’t know who would be the voice of reason._  Ben gave him a phantom pat, something Alec only recognized because he was fully believing his hallucination at the moment. He needed to, it was the only way he had access to just over half of his skills.  
            His brain was still pulling itself together, but the soldier needed to be in the field. Muscle memory from various missions was running his motions, his breathing.  
            Now he needed to think.  
…………  
 _Enemy, enemy, I must eliminate my Enemy!  
Your people Enemy! My people's hated enemy!  
What are you Enemy! Though a created enemy!  
Terminate the Enemy! Eradicate the hated enemy!  
I am an enemy! My very greatest enemy!_  
…………  
  
            When the first of the Phalanx lowered themselves in, Alec wanted to laugh. The two males White had sent were better suited for Cirq du Solei, not war. The three females, however, were giving him pause. All of them were larger than he would have guessed; the Familiars tended to breed similarly to Manticore’s standards, not to look like they could fight. Coupled with their inability to feel pain, he was pretty sure this was going to be harder than fighting White alone.  
            And inside him, for the first time, everyone was excited.  
            Almost too soon, Max yelled “Now!” And Alec aimed his body, coming down hard on the collar bone of the warrior beneath him.   
            The bone snapped with his weight, and Alec used the momentum to drive her backwards, into the wall support his feet had been resting on.   
            The move would have been excellent if she hadn’t caught his ankle on her way down. His face hit the ground with more force than he would have liked, his nose dangerously close to breaking again.  With a snarl, he whirled on her, slamming his boot into her face, and actually smashing her nose and cheek.  
            Momentarily blinded, she let go, and Alec snapped his leg back, before launching it again at her skull.  She caught it, smiling bloodily, and pulled his foot downward. Alec let a wince escape as she snapped his ankle, already braced and looking for his next opening. It came when his opponent paused, just barely catching a muffled cry.  
            The thought of this  _Familiar_  touching the cub, the newborn struggling to make it into the world brought a fury over his thoughts.  For the first time since 2009,  _all_  of Alec’s thoughts were one, and his opponent glanced back just in time to see it all click into place. Her sudden expression of fear barely had time to settle before Alec was slamming the heel of his palm into her jaw, it locked shut on her own tongue, blood pouring from the wound.  
            She shoved him—he caught sight of Joshua fighting someone, and Logan firing ineffectually at one of the acrobat twins—and then he struck the far wall. The impact knocked his wind from him, and all at once, his body decided to remind him that he wasn’t  _completely_  healed yet. Original Cindy and Joshua had done an excellent job at playing nursemaid, but he was not ready for this.  
            He had barely gotten to his feet again when she slammed her fist into  _his_  face. His world spun, and he had to force his jaw back into place with both hands. Then, snarling, he turned on her. “That’s gonna cost you.”  
            “Transgenic filth!” She screamed, and he hadn’t honestly expected her to say anything else.  
            All around him, he could hear the sounds of fighting, though they were lessening. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing—it of course, depended on who was still fighting. His opponent rushed him, and Alec calmly pulled his gun from the holster on his back, and fired.  
            She fell, her expression shocked, bullet hole oozing. He stepped past her, ignoring the missing piece of her skull, and the gore spread out behind her.  
            Logan stepped from behind a support beam, and stared at Alec with a curious expression. Well, if Logan had time to be standing, they were winning. Alec ignored the human, instead using his nose to seek out the one most important to him.  
            “Joshua, no!”  
            It was a sight Alec would have longed for on any day. Joshua had White spread over his knee, pushing his back to the breaking point. He forced himself to holster his gun; it was Joshua’s kill, he had earned the right to defend his pack.  
 _Pack, brother?_  Ben whispered. Alec ignored him.  
            “You should let him, Max. He took Annie.” Alec had felt a kinship with his friend over the beautiful blind woman; Joshua had asked the one thing Alec felt guilty over, to share his face, so he would not frighten his first love. “This guy’s dead, and just doesn’t know it yet.”  
            Max stared at him, looking stricken. And all at once, Alec saw the fragile trust he had built with her starting to crumble. Ben rested a phantom hand on his shoulder, giving him comfort where he needed it.  “They’ll hunt us down for it!”  
            “I killed one already, Max.” Ben said for him, “They’d have found another excuse if one wasn’t given here.”  
            Her stare was cold as she ordered them to find rope, and to undress the surviving soldiers.  
 _…………_  
 _So, you try to tell me that you love life, then find another way to kill life._  
 _Wanting, love life. I’m needing, kill life. But wanting, love life._  
 _I’m needing, kill life. Enemy. Enemy. Enemy. Enemy! Enemy!!_  
 _…………_  
  
            Every instinct was telling him to run back inside and finish the job properly, but Max had ordered him to be one of her guards, and that effectively trapped him with her. Tinted glass covering his face, he helped lead the ‘prisoners’ out to the convoy, all the while arguing with his instincts.  
            It was all he could do not to disobey orders. With one last look at his former place of employment, he turned, and gave Max a gentle push into the back of the truck.  Barely a minute later, when he heard the sirens, he knew the battle was not over.


	15. Ten Thousand Fists

            Alec carefully stepped from the back of the van, his injured arm hanging limply at his side, his other raised in the universal symbol of surrender.  “I fought the law, and the law won.” He quipped, earning an elbow to the head from Mole.  
            On his other side, he could just barely catch movement. Inwardly he smiled; paranoia sometimes paid off, his insistence on TC being on high alert was going to be their saving factor.  To his left, Max caught his eye. He blinked twice. Just barely, he caught the slight upturn of her lips, before she ordered the police out of their home.  
            He was already lowering his hands as the sound of a hundred different safeties being thrown echoed around the parking garage. The police looked torn, ready to fire or run at a moment’s notice.  
            Considering the fact his gun was closer to Max’s feet then his good arm, he was hoping they’d choose the latter. It was a long, tense moment, their leader, a Detective Clemente, was sizing Max up with the caution of dealing with an underworld boss. While the description was somewhat accurate, it was almost offensive the way he was automatically suspicious.  
            And then came the words Alec knew were coming: “But you killed one of their squad. Not exactly a gesture of good faith.”  
            Max gave a frustrated glance at Alec, inadvertently drawing Clemente’s attention to him. “That was not my orders.”  
            “To be fair,” Alec said, stepping forward, and ignoring the police’s raised weapons, “The woman was trying to kill me. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the… _experience_  of fighting for your life before.” His tone was icy, his voice the perfect mimicry of a hundred commanding officers.  
            Clemente actually  _nodded_ , “I’ll give you that, considering the policy of Mr. White.” He took another moment, this time sizing up the two of them. “Pull back!” He called to his officers behind him. With a smile, the man turned back to Max and Alec, “You’re a good leader, Max. You kept this from being a blood bath. I hope you can maintain that in the days ahead.” And with that, he turned and headed back to his squad car.  
            The moment he was gone, the entire mass of assembled transgenics started talking, voices overlapping—Alec fought hard not to duck and cover his ears against the onslaught. But then, one voice cut out above all the others: Mole. “Ok, we go to ground. Scatter, head back east.”  
            And then, of course,  _Max_ , “No!”  
………… _  
One more goddamn day when I know what I want, and my want will be considered tonight.  
Just another day when all that I want, will mark me as a sinner tonight, I'm a sinner tonight, yeah._  
…………  
  
            Every aspect of Alec’s being was telling him that Mole was right, that Max was being an idealist even as she launched into her speech.  
 _You know, staying here might be a better option._  Ben whispered from the back of his mind, _You don’t do well on your own._  
 _How the hell would you know? Since when have I ever been alone?_  Alec retorted, eyes still on Max. She was arguing with Mole now, pointing out the lack of supplies, which he noted would also affect them if they stayed here.  _And I don’t want to compete with Logan anymore._  He admitted.  Shock nearly drove him to his knees, as suddenly, his head felt infinitely lighter. He shook it, attempting to figure out what exactly had changed.  
            From the farthest corner, a bare whisper, Ben spoke,  _You finally fucking admit it._  Alec was left with a distinct impression Ben was smiling at him.  _I think you’re getting the hang of this._  
            Hope leapt in Alec’s heart.  _So you’re going, right?_  
 _Sorry, baby brother,_  Ben chided softly,  _You still have to deal with me. I’ll be here till you’re ready._  And with that cryptic note, the voice vanished.  
            Being alone in his head was a distinctly new feeling, and Alec felt his hair stand on end. Yes, he could still hear the echoes of other personalities he had to deal with, but right now, he was alone.  
…………

_Power un-restrained, dead on the mark is what we will deliver tonight, deliver tonight.  
Pleasure fused with pain, this triumph of the soul will make you shiver tonight, will make you shiver tonight, yeah!_  
…………  
  
            “I think we should stay.”   
            Max spun, awed by the fact the whispered words silenced the entire group of transgenics. She was expecting some high ranking X4, or one of the transhumans.  
            Instead, she found herself staring at a very different Alec. He raised his eyes, looking at the assembled transgenics in turn. Max felt chills as his eyes met hers; they were the clearest she had ever seen them.  “Like Max said, this is our home. It’s not much, but would you rather start building somewhere else? Have other people rediscover us, and the hunting start again? We’ll lose more people trying to run then staying here and utilizing our strengths as a unit.” Alec finished, using his right hand to stem the bleeding of his shoulder; the wound had managed to open again.  
            “A vote for the unit from a solo operative?” A voice called out, and Alec shot a glare in that direction. The voice fell silent.  
            Max watched the exchange with a feeling she couldn’t quite place. Instead of saying something, though, she turned and looked around the assembled transgenics. “So? Who’s with me?” And she held her fist high in the air.  
            Alec paused for a moment before following suit, watching the hands go up with mixed feelings. Yes, his people were rallying, but looking at some of the star struck faces watching Max, and remembering the runes from only a few weeks previous, he wasn’t sure exactly  _why_  they were. True, he had just swayed the vote, something he could have done from day one, if he had thought about it.   
            He felt eyes on him, and turned to see Max watching him carefully, almost sizing him up. He flashed her his signature smirk, and she offered a halfhearted one in return.  
            Cold seized Alec’s insides. She knew.  
 _…………_  
 _People can no longer cover their eyes, if this disturbs you then walk away._  
 _You will remember the night you were struck by the sight of Ten Thousand fists in the air!_  
 _……......_


	16. Land of Confusion

………… _  
I must have dreamed a thousand dreams, been haunted by a million screams…  
But I can hear the marching feet; They're moving into the street!  
Now, did you read the news today? They say the danger has gone away.  
But I can see the fire's still alight! They're burning into the night._  
…………  
  
            It had been two months since the Siege at Jam Pony, and every day the human representative kept assuring them that the National Guard surrounding the city would be removed the next day.  Alec was getting tired of waiting for tomorrow every god-damned day.  
            He slumped at his desk, allowing the blinds that looked out over the perimeter fence to knock against the window.  
            “The rep said they’d be leaving tomorrow.” Max’s voice said from the doorway.  
            Hiding his groan of frustration, Alec kicked the roll-y chair around, spinning to face the female in the doorway. “Yeah, let’s hope so.” He said, flashing her a tired smile. “Did you have more paperwork for me to look over?”  
            She shook her head, fixing him with a hard stare. “Why did you volunteer to become my second in command?”   
            The question threw him off guard, and he was sure his surprise showed on his face. “Uh, cause no one else wanted to deal with your moodiness?”  
            “You could have easily been in charge.” She remarked, moving to stare at a map he had affixed to his wall.  
            Alec shifted uncomfortably before standing. “No I couldn’t; you’re the one who set them all free.”  
            Max turned, pinning him with her dark eyes. “Or is the real reason because you’re not alone in that skull of yours?”  
            Alec went still, his face expressionless. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  
            That broke her. “Cindy told me what you did! I had to practically beat it out of her, but she told me!”  
            His eyes narrowed. “I think you’ve been misinformed.”  
            Max put her hands on her hips, ignoring the dangerous tone in his voice. “So, should I call you Alec? Or  _Ben_?”  
            He spun on her, “ _You have no idea what you are talking about!_ ” And immediately, he stepped back, looking for support against the desk.  Ben had spoken for him.  
            Worse? Max had noticed too. “My god, she was right. You even sound like him.” Fear had crept into her voice, and Alec felt his world shatter.  
            “No one was supposed to find out.” He said softy, moving back behind his desk. “Especially not you.”  
            “And you think you’re fit for active duty? Let alone being my second in command?” She demanded.  
            Alec fixed her with a cold stare all his own. “Even fractured, I could run this place better. But apparently, my loyalty to the woman who freed us goes unnoticed.” He wanted to punch something. “Do you know how many of our people asked me to run against you, miss President? Did you even ask about the write in ballots? I  _turned it down_ , Max. Because of you, because I knew that  _you_  were the person they needed to see as in charge. I figured I could clean up your mistakes as easily from second in command…but I assume you’re throwing a demotion my way.”  
            She honestly looked hurt. “I’m worried about you!” Her voice sounded weird, and Alec had to look at her to figure out why; she was crying. “Yes, ok, I get mad, and say shit without thinking! It wasn’t about your rank here, Alec, it’s about your sanity!” She grabbed him, pulling him half way across his desk, before she pressed her lips to his in a passionate, if angry and rather wet, kiss.  
            Before he had time to recover, she was out the door, hiding her tears under her usual bitchy attitude.  He touched his lips, half convinced it didn’t really happen. And then he turned to his mirror. “You broke the rules.”  
 _She was pissing me off._  Ben shrugged, his reflection looking as haggard as Alec felt.  _And she does have a fair point._  
            “Then let’s fix me.” He snarled, gripping the frame of the mirror. “I’m tired of this shit.” There was a long pause, and Alec felt like there was something he should have known. “What aren’t you telling me.”  
            Ben swallowed hard, his reflection barely a ghost over Alec’s own.  _I…can’t put you back together._  He looked away.  _You know who can help, but you’re the only one who can piece me back in._  
            “And you’ve been so forthcoming with that.” Alec rolled his eyes, turning away just as the mail kid came to the door. “Hey, Nick!”  
            The green, rather bark textured transhuman smiled at him, handing over a stack of manila envelopes. “Apparently we have a new liaison.” He said, sympathetically. “Which, of course, means more dead trees.” His frown deepened.  
            Alec patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll get them to go digital soon, don’t you worry.” He chuckled as Nick moved on, wondering who the hell thought a half human/half plant would be an effective solider.  
            But, seeing the massive changes to the staff that he had been carefully cultivating relationships with was nearly too much. The US government was trying to keep them off even footing, and Alec was starting to get rather pissed off.  
………… _  
There's too many men, too many people making too many problems…  
And there's not much love to go around. Can't you see this is a land of confusion?_  
…………  
  
            The knock on his apartment door didn’t surprise him; he had caught her scent on a breeze before she had even made it to the building. His only question was exactly  _why_ Max was here. He pulled open the door, smiling as she pulled her hand back from another knock. “Hey, Maxie.”  
            She looked slightly startled as she forced a smile. “Hey, Alec. And don’t call me ‘Maxie’.” She looked up at him, and there was something so foreign there, Alec couldn’t even fancy a guess at what it was.  
            “Why don’t you come in?” He said, pushing the door open the rest of the way, allowing her entrance. She smiled at him, thanking him, and entered his abode.  His mind flashed back to the last time she had been in his place…and he shook his head. No, she didn’t smell like she was anywhere near her heat cycle…so why was she here?  Very delicately, she moved towards the couch, settling herself on it as if afraid her movement would break his reality. Getting rather annoyed with the whole display, Alec flopped himself down next to her, reaching for his drink. “Oh, um… What do you want to drink?”  
            Max put her hand on his shoulder, stopping him from getting up. “I’m fine, Alec.”  
            He sat back onto the couch, eyebrows raised. “Then why are you here.”  
            “ _You’re_  not.”  
            There was a long, tense moment, both of them sizing up the other. “I’m dealing.”  
            Max sighed, looking away. “You told Cindy that too, just before you went psycho and nearly fractured her wrist.”  
            “I never…” He paused, thinking hard. And then, a faint memory, a long since absorbed personality. “Oh, shit.” He covered his face with his hands, rubbing at his temples. “I thought…fuck, who  _cares_  what I thought? Part of me… _fuck!_ ” He kicked out with his right foot, catching the coffee table and sending it crashing into the wall; he was on his feet before it struck.   
            Max slid back in her seat, her face not betraying any emotion. “Alec, I think you should sit down.”  
            “And I think,” Alec said, whirling on her, “That you have no  _clue_  what the hell I’m going through! I  _hurt_  Cindy! And I didn’t even know! I mean, how many others don’t I…” He stopped, realizing that he may have just stepped too far.  
            Max, of course, couldn’t let it go. “How many others don’t you what?” He wouldn’t look at her. “Remember? Oh god, Alec, you actually  _remembered_  hurting people and didn’t think that there might be a problem?”  
            “To be fair, she did try to kill me. I think.” Alec sat back on the couch, feeling too much to even try to sort it out. “I stopped going out, Max. I’ve been fighting to fix this since…” He wouldn’t say it. He couldn’t say it.  
            She did. “Since you got out. Since I let you out.”  
            He hung his head. “It probably started before that, but Manticore had all those lovely drugs… Max, I’ll leave. I’m dangerous…”  
 _Oh no you fucking don’t._  Alec’s eyes whipped to the mirror, unaware that Max was following his gaze. Ben glared at him, looking both hurt and pissed off.  _If we go off on our own, we’re never gonna get back out of this! We’ll end up worse!_  
`“What’s he saying?” Her hand on his shoulder startled him; her words floored him.  
            “I…what?”  
            Max took his hand in hers, using her other to brush an errant strand of hair from his face. “What’s Ben saying?”  
            It cost her something to ask, Alec could see that on her face as plain as day. But she _asked_. He swallowed hard, not really ready to let he know how bad he was fractured. “He said that if we go off on our own, we’ll never get back out of this.” He was aware of how childlike his voice was; he didn’t want to admit he was even talking to himself.  
            To his surprise, she looked towards his reflection, breathing deeply before saying, “You’re right. And you’re looking out for him, too, aren’t you.”  
            Somewhere in his chest, a new feeling was growing at an alarming rate. “Max, what the hell are you doing?” He asked, looking lost and confused.  
            She turned back to him, this time taking both of his hands in hers. “I’m helping you get through this.” She said, looking him dead in the eyes. “And I’m not letting you go anywhere until we figure this bitch out.”  
………… _  
Oh, Superman, where are you now, when everything's gone wrong somehow?  
The men of steel, these men of power, are losing control by the hour.  
This is the time, this is the place, so we look for the future!  
But there's not much love to go around. Tell me why this is a land of confusion._  
…………  
  
            Alec would have been proud if he had known, that was one thing Max was certain of.  
            It was hard pressed to find which of his friends had noticed first, but Sketchy had been the one to present his theory to the others, after Alec’s odd reaction to his very basic survey. Of course Original Cindy had been first on the scene, ready to step in to try to smack some sense into him. It hadn’t gone as planned.  
            But, somewhere between his capture by White for the second time and Jam Pony, Sketchy and Cindy had expressed their concerns to Biggs and Max. While Biggs’ death had silence his particular plan of attack, Max had used the time to  _watch_  her friend, and to study.  
            Logan had even helped, thinking she was working on a project to help restore some of the older generations of Xs, and it had been Logan who discovered that, sometimes, the other personality just needed to be recognized.  
            He had stopped helping the moment she had let slip that Alec might have more than one.  However, it was still his advice she was following, carefully questioning Alec on his alternate’s ideas whenever he was distracted by his reflection. It was more common than she had thought, thinking there was someone different in the mirror. While the term alluded her, she knew it was caused by extreme emotional trauma, and brain damage.  
            Alec was a red flag for both.  
            In fact, as she sat with him, speaking carefully to both sides, she began to realize that both of them—Alec and ‘Ben’—were craving some sort of acceptance…maybe even forgiveness.  
            It all came back to that ten year old boy, screaming out “Why? What did I do?” as they dragged him into psy-ops for the sins of his brother. The child who should have never been placed in that situation in the first place.  
………… _  
I remember long ago… when the sun was shining,  
And all the stars were bright all through the night!  
In the wake of this madness, as I held you tight! So long ago…_  
…………  
  
            “I don’t get it.” Alec’s words came after a long silence, almost dragged from him against his will.  
            Max stared at him, gently rubbing at his back. “What?”  
            “This.” He made a gesture that seemed to encompass the whole room. “You. Being here.” He shook his head, moving away from her comforting arm. “No offense, but our friendship record has been rather…spotty.”  
            She seemed surprised at his paranoia; almost as if she expected it, but hadn’t honestly thought she would be subjected to it. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  
 _There goes a chance to handle this delicately._  One of them thought, and Alec awkwardly scratched at his head. “I’ve always gotten the impression that I was more ‘tolerated’. I know, I know, we talked all about brother Ben, and I thought, wow, maybe we’ll get past this, because there was more…And then you tell Logan that I stole you away from him.” Max went white, and Alec shook his head. “It shouldn’t bother me, because  _I_  know I’d never do that…not that I haven’t been tempted.” He muttered bitterly.  
            Max fell silent, seemingly lost in her thoughts. “I thought…it was best. But then, he started again, buying latex gloves…”  
            “Didn’t even question where your ‘boyfriend’ was either, I bet.” The statement struck true, and Alec chuckled miserably. “I guess Logan isn’t above it himself.”  
            The slap across his face was pretty much the last thing he was expecting, and his poor footing sent him sprawling sideways into the remains of his coffee table. He looked back at Max, his cheek stinging, and was surprised to see tears streaming down her face.  “I know what Logan is.” She said, her entire body trembling. “I don’t need you to tell me. I came here because of  _you_ , you fucking idiot! Don’t you understand?  _I need you!_ ” She fell back onto the couch, hiding her face behind her hands. “I can’t lose you too!”  
            “Lose me?” Ben’s face flashed in front of his eyes, and Alec winced. Of course, she lost her brother to madness… “Max, I highly doubt you’d be able to lose me if you tried.”  
            “But I already am!” She allowed herself to unfold a bit, unsure of herself in this onslaught of emotion. “And a lot of it’s my fault, I get that… but please,  _please_  know that I’m here because I want to be…” She looked away, unable to meet his eyes, “because, somewhere along this crazy ride, I fell in love with you.”  
            Alec looked at her, his heart ready to explode at her words. Even Ben was stunned to complete silence, watching Max with eyes just a tad hopeful. “Max…”  
            It didn’t matter who moved first, what mattered was that they met in the middle, lips dancing, arms entwining. It came to the point where it was hard to tell where either began—inside Alec’s mind, there was only one, collective idea.  
            Max started undressing him first, whispering how much she needed him, how much she cared, how stupid she had been, how she would help him pull himself together.  He told her he loved her, and that was all she needed, pressing kisses over any other words that he might have said.   
            He was delicate, surprising her by sliding down her nude form and nudging her legs apart, gently caressing her most private area before he leaned in, nuzzling and licking. She wanted more, grinding against him as soon as the pleasure had overcome the embarrassment. He grinned against her, helping himself to one last lick before kissing his way back up her body.  
            Her hands found his erection, and she pulled, long and slow, squeezing in all the right places. He held himself above her, arms trembling as he fought to keep control, and playful growling when he realized she was  _teasing_  him.  Their next kiss was the most passionate yet; she could taste herself on his tongue as he pressed against her, slowly entering. It was incredible—he was an attentive lover even when drugged with heat pheromones, but now, with him (almost) clear headed, he was beyond amazing. Her orgasm built slowly, but seemed to go on for ages, her walls clenching around his penis, dragging little groans from his throat.  
            He called her name as he came, cradling her close as his orgasm flooded his senses, and she stroked his hair, smiling when he came to rest on top of her, still nuzzling her neck.  She wasn’t sure who she had just made love too—in a very real sense, it may have been both of them—but she did know one thing: Alec was pulling himself together…and for some reason,  _she_  was the catalyst.  
………… _  
I won't be coming home tonight. My generation will put it right!  
We're not just making promises that we know we'll never keep.  
Now, this is the world we live in! And these are the hands we're given!  
Use them and let's start trying to make it a place worth fighting for!_  
............  
  
            “No, I’m sorry, Madam Secretary, but that’s not acceptable.”   
            Max blinked, surprised that she had slept the entire night through. And, by the sounds of it, slept through Alec getting up. Blearily, she peered out of his bedroom, to see him pacing the living room in his boxers, cell phone to his ear and a file folder in the other. He caught sight of her, and gave a little wave—Max returned it, surprised and happy to see him looking more in control.  
            “That, my  _friend_ , is black mail.” Alec said, stopping in his pacing. “We are trying to  _survive_ here, and make no mistake, we will do whatever it takes to do so.” His expression was grim, and Max felt a surge of pride for her lover.   
            “The food stamps?” She mouthed, and Alec nodded, walking quickly into the room to press a kiss to her lips.  
            “mmm…Morning.” He whispered, covering the mouthpiece of the phone…but the woman on the other line said something, and his expression soured again. “Well then, I believe we have a problem. I  _will_  be making mention of this at the council. Oh yes, of course I’m going to bring it up! What you’re suggesting amounts to trying to starve us out. We are predators, Madam Secretary, I’d really give that idea some hard thought before you decide.” And with that, he ended the call. “We work for the government or they don’t give us aide.” He summarized, flopping onto his bed. “They’re also insisting child protective services take all of our people under eighteen. Something about us not being a proper environment for children.” He smirked.  
            Max smiled, playing with the hem of his boxers. “And how’s your head today?”  
            The smile slid off his face as Alec paused, considering. “He’s…sleeping.” There was wonder, almost awe in his voice. “I didn’t even notice…”  It was a big step, but it was still only a step. Max, however, thought that it might deserve some sort of reward, and leaned in to kiss him again—her eye caught the flashing numbers on the clock, and she jumped up, squeaking in alarm.  Alec watched, looking both amused and still in awe over the silence. “You’re not late, babe. It’s Saturday.”  
            “What?” She froze, her underwear half on, and then she stood, hands on her hips. “I knew that.” But Alec was still smirking. “What?”  
            “That must have been one hell of a last orgasm.” He ducked her swat, chuckling. “Oh, and if you happen to get a rather angry phone call from the President of the Cabinet…I think I managed to piss off their Secretary pretty bad.”   
            “You called her on a Saturday morning, I’d be pissed too. But we need the food, so I think it’s perfectly acceptable.” She couldn’t help but return his smile. “Now, even though it is Saturday, I  _do_  have some things I was supposed to do, including that damn press conference…” She trailed off, her itinerary flashing through her head.  
            Alec chuckled. “Should I be insulted or relieved that you kept this morning free.”  
            She blinked, looking at him, and smiling. “Both, smart Alec. I’ve wanted to show you how I felt for a while…and I knew that if I started, you’d never say no.” She winked.  
            Alec grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close and kissing her. “Never to you.” He whispered. “Now, you have your plans…and I have mine.”   
            Max watched his expression carefully, seeing the random, alien one flash across it. “Good luck.” And then, knowing he needed to hear it, but would never ask, said, “And change your sheets—I’m not sleeping in those again, they smell!”  
            He looked at her, carefully pulling the joke from the true sentiment underneath; she wasn’t abandoning him, this was something  _more_. The grin that broke across his face was something new; she had never seen him look so unburdened before. “Ok, so laundry day. Got it.”   
            And, though Alec caught Ben in his reflections several times that day, the other stayed quiet and observant, almost at peace.  
 _…………_  
 _This is the world we live in and these are the names we're given._  
 _Stand up and let's start showing just where our lives are going to!_  
 _…………_


	17. Deify

**Deify:** _verb_    
1\. To make a god of; raise to the condition of a god.  
2\. To worship or revere as a god  
3\. To idealize; exalt  
…………  
 _You want to know why I feel so horrified? I've let my innocence die.  
You want to know why I can't be pacified? You made me bury something. I won't be sleeping tonight…_  
…………  
  
            Part of him always knew that he had been made to do some truly awful stuff. But, despite the rather wonderful bout of morning cuddling (Max had returned from her nightly wanderings just before he had woken), a sense of dread was creeping into his head.  
            Ben was silent, only begrudgingly appearing in the shadows of his reflection and absolutely refusing to speak.  Thus, Alec had to conclude that this sense of dread was coming from somewhere deeper in is mind.  Unbidden, a flash of memory whited out his vision: his cruel smile, blood splatter hitting his face as the bullet tore through his target’s skull.  
            “Oh god…” He sat up straight, fighting to keep the nausea down. It wasn’t working.  
            “Alec?” Max questioned, removing her arm from his lap so he could bolt to his bathroom. The only response was the sound of his retching, as everything he had eaten in the past twelve hours decided to make a reappearance.  She gave him a few minutes to compose himself, before appearing in the doorway with a damp, cool washcloth. “Morning sickness?” She teased.  
            Alec took the cloth with a nod of thanks, but said nothing.  
            She stared at him, seemingly trying to decide who was in control. He shot her a withering look, and she held her hands up defensively. “I had to check.”  
            “He wouldn’t want to be here.” Alec said quietly, pulling himself to his feet.  
            Max put her hands out, but he flinched away, and she frowned. “Why? What’s going on in that busy head of yours?”  
            Very slowly, he turned to look at her. “What do you do when all those horrible things you did…when you realize you actually  _enjoyed_  it?”  
            Her stunned silence was answer enough.  
…………  
 _You want to know why it seems the passion's died? We've all been living this lie.  
You want to know why my will's been fortified? You've made me hunger again; Good luck sleeping tonight._  
…………  
  
            “Where’s Alec?” It was becoming Max’s new catch-phrase, much to the amusement of TC. However, for Max, it was a worrying sign.  Before, back when she was still fighting her feelings, she had seen his disappearances as blessed relief, if she had noticed at all. Now, she knew it was a warning, perhaps the first outward sign that something was wrong.  She wished he had other tells, she really did.  
            However, her search came to a screeching halt, when Dix stared at her, laughter in his eyes before replying, “Where do you think? His office.”  
            Part of her cursed her stupidity; of  _course_  he’d throw himself into work. It had been his pattern thus far.  She slipped open the door, taking in the small room before she stepped in. But it was when she cleared the door that she saw the poster, the map, and the cross.  
            “Max?” Alec asked, but she was already over his desk, holding him by the collar and looking ready to kill him.  
            “Ben, you  _swore_  you would tell me when you were in control!” She yelled.  
            Alec raised an eyebrow, and carefully began prying her fingers from his shirt. “One, I’m _not_  Ben; he’s being oddly shadow-like lately…and two, you’re ruining my shirt, mind letting go?”  
            Reluctantly she did as he asked, still skeptical. “Then what’s with the church on your wall?”  
            “Surveillance photo.” Alec replied, standing up to show her the details on the map. “This little chapel has been tucked away in the X sector of TC for a while. Only recently have people begun cleaning it up.”  
            “So? A little faith never hurt anyone.”  
            He shot her a skeptical look. “Yeah? Tell that to Ben.” She fell silent, and returned to his desk, sitting back down and looking tired. “It just came in this morning. Take a look at the name they chose.”  
            Max frowned at him, before peering closer at the ramshackle little church. “Oh god.”   
            “Yeah, their name amounts to gibberish, but it’s written in Minoan. Mole thinks their little god is  _you_.” He looked amused. “That, or Sandman. And come on, while you’re a goddess in bed, God of our people is a bit much.”  
            She found herself laughing, despite her sudden fear. “You just wait.” She teased, before she let seriousness take over again. “What are you going to do?”  
            “What can I do? They chased me out when I went in to try to talk to them. Seem to think I’m bad for you or something. Or bad for Sandman’s plans for you.” He fell silent, seeing her next question on her face before she could ask it. “No, Max. I’m not feeling any better about this morning.”  
            “Stockholm syndrome?” This time, his lips quirked, and Max considered it a win. “I’m serious, Alec. If you hadn’t learned to derive some sort of enjoyment from your task, you would have gone insane.”  
            “Rather then what’s happening now.” He remarked, dryly. “Max, you need to go speak to them.”  
            In hindsight, that was a very bad idea.  
…………  
 _I only wanted a blessing made, now I've been labeled a renegade.  
It seems so clear now what I must do. You're no immortal; I won't let them deify you!  
They view you as the new messiah. Deify you; Renew belief in some demented man!_  
…………  
  
            It was a blur, really. Max had realized they surrounded her too late, and the group of five X series (she thought they might be 3 or 4, they looked too old for 5s) had the advantage of strength optimization.  They wanted to keep her safe, and so they locked her in the rectory. Max had screamed herself horse at them, but they had not moved on their stance that their savior had to be protected, because Sandman’s Plan would bring salvation.  
            It was freaking insane.  
            And then, there had been screams, and gunfire, and what sounded like an explosion before one of the cult members scrambled through the rectory door, slamming it behind him and piling up furniture to create a barrier.  It didn’t hold.   
            Alec had burst through, looking positively feral, and the poor, misguided X had drawn a gun, aiming it at Max, threatening.  _That_ , she remembered, the feeling of pain exploding through her shoulder as she fell, and the blur that was Alec, as the X found himself completely overpowered. She had lost track of the fight, as blood loss was making her dizzy, and she had yet to find something to wrap her arm with. So far, she had just managed to stretch her shirt, and then get stuck as she couldn’t pull the garment over her head.  
            Tension gripped the fabric, and Max saw Alec carefully using his field knife to cut the shirt off her, leaving the sleeve that encased her wounded shoulder on. There was a curious amount of blood on his face, and Max felt a slight surge of nausea at the idea that Alec got carried away.  
            He quickly bound her arm, radioing to the Medic that he was coming in hot, gunshot wound. Only then, did he pull her close, and buried his face in her neck. “I thought I lost you.”  
            Max breathed against the pain, and used her good arm to hug him close. “I thought I lost _you_.”  
            “That?” he glanced back at the barely moving body behind him, dismissing it just as quickly. “God, no. When I saw him holding that gun on you…” He looked sheepish, awkwardly rubbing at his neck. “Uh…I got mad.”  
            “I can see why Manticore encouraged that.” She said, glancing over, and assuring herself her captor was indeed alive. “You sending a medic here?”   
            “After you’re treated. I think they can suffer a little bit.” Alec said, looking amused by the prospect. She smacked his arm, and he quickly lost the look, instead looking annoyed with himself.  
            “Help me over to him.” She said, holding his shirt with her good arm as he carefully wound his arms around her, pulling her to her feet. “I need to make sure they understand.” Begrudgingly, he took her towards him, but kept her at arm’s reach from the beaten transgenic. She knelt, and only then could she see the fear in the fallen’s eyes. “I’m not your savior, messiah, or any of that crap. See? I bleed just as red as you.”  
            Behind her, she could feel Alec tensing, but she had no idea of what was going on in his head.  
………….  
 _All my devotion betrayed,  I am no longer afraid._  
 _I was too blinded to see how much you've stolen from me!_  
 _…………_  
  
            Alec seethed. Ben seethed.  
            They were united in their anger.  
            Manticore. It all went back to them. The insanity in the early X series, Sandman’s tinkering, his loss of everything innocent about him…it was all Manticore.  Everything he stood for had betrayed him. But the anger was good, because, as he watched Max speak to her insane (and dying) captor, it solidified into a desire to protect, to save.  
            Not only Max, but his people.  
            Oh, things were going to change.


	18. Divide

            Alec stared around the auditorium, frowning. The entire group was flat out ignoring his presence, and it was starting to irk him. “I said, I have another item for the agenda.” His voice rung through the general chatter, and commanded attention. Politicians usually had some sort of respect for military authority, or at least dealings with it, and the tone he used forced their attention to him.  
            “The floor recognizes…” The head honcho blinked at Alec a couple times before glancing down at his roster, “The Transgenic Representative, Alec McDowell.”  
            Alec stood, offering his best smile. Despite themselves, he saw a few of the hardened expressions soften, and a fair amount of the females were looking slightly dewy eyed. This was the exact reason why Max had appointed him their city council representative; his charisma melted down barriers that Max’s gruffness only agitated. “The transgenics have come to a decision regarding the ratification of our citizenship.”  
            “Out with it.” He heard another representative mutter, and he fixed him with a hard stare. The man shrank down in his seat a little.  
            “We decline.” And he waited for the backlash.  
………  
 _I want to tear a big hole in what is to be to end all this infatuation with unity,  
I'm seeking my salvation alone again, I never needed to be one of you anyway.  
Don't wanna be another player losing in this game. I'm trying to impress upon you  
We're not the same. My own individuality is so unique, I'm one impressive motherfucker  
Now, wouldn't you say?_  
………  
  
            After letting them clamor and yell for a good five minutes, Alec held up his hand, not at all surprised that they fell silent.  “You honestly expected us to accept this…servitude?” He said, holding the file that contained the details of the arrangement with contempt. “First of all, you haven’t even ceded the basic  _medical_  requests—“  
            “It takes time to make deals with pharmaceutical companies!”  
            Alec found the speaker to be an older woman, with iron gray hair and a power suit. She, too, flinched away from the look in his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. That’s why we signed an agreement this morning with Pfizer for the manufacture and production of tryptophan, amongst other things. The funny thing is, they said they would work with us despite the fact we don’t have government insurance. Secondly, we cannot accept the ‘food’ that you dictated we were allowed to purchase. Its cabbage, or rejected dog food meat. I want to see  _you_  surviving on only that before I’ll allow my people to be subjected to it.”  
            The rest of the representatives were silent, watching him with weary expressions.  
            “But then there’s the denial of public education for the X6s, X8s and any children that may have a transgenic parent. We have found only one of approximately twenty co-species births to have any transgenic talent. And denying the right of education to a child because his parents are different…” Alec’s voice failed him, and he found himself just shaking his head, the rest of his speech forgotten in his disgust.   
            After a moment, another councilmember tentatively stood. “On behalf of all the parents who voted against allowing transgenics in schools, I can at least offer an explanation. People are scared, every series of X is stronger and faster than a human. What if there are fights? Scuffles? Bullies are bad enough now, what happens if one of your children end up with a tail? Or, as you even mentioned in the medical report, ‘go into heat’? All of these things would be disruptive to a school environment—“  
            “As if you all are  _so_  concerned with disrupting school.” Alec sneered, and he felt a vague tap from the back of his mind: Ben was warning him to keep his temper. “How many suicides happened in this district last year? And all were victims of bullying. You’ve had two kids murdered in a freakin’  _middle school_  because another wanted their video games, another five hospitalized after a prank went wrong… I can go on, if I have to, but I think I made my point.”  
            No one would look at him. It was making him very angry.   “This is the tenth version of our citizenship to have been drafted, and every time it comes back, we’re getting less and less. You created us: you voted in those who started the program, you voted to allocate funding without verification, you voted for every mission we were sent on, and had everything you own protected by our blood. All we want is freedom, but I’m starting to think you guys have a different definition.”  
………  
 _I am a little more provocative then you might need, it is your shock and then your horror on which I feed.  
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be?  
Don't wanna be another player losing in this game, I'm trying to impress upon you,  
We're not the same. My psychotic mentality is so unique, I'm one aggressive motherfucker  
Now, wouldn't you say…_  
………  
  
            He stormed out of the auditorium, glaring straight ahead and ignoring the sudden blindness caused by the bright sunlight. He knew the path from City Hall by heart, and his feet hit the steps with no discernable pause.  
            It had not gone well. They had been silent for a whole hour, and when he had asked if they could work on the terms, try to make them more humane, he had been asked to leave the room. When he was called back in, there had been a 2/3rds majority voting him out of his office, and leaving the transgenics without a voice, and apparently, with a rather bad deal in citizenship.  
 _They just, removed me! And ratified it anyway! There’s no point to this!_  Alec thought angrily, ignoring Ben who was yelling from the farthest reaches of his mind.  _And not now! Not after you’ve been--_  
            His foot missed the step.  
            Alec crashed backwards, landing heavily on his back, and sliding down the remaining stairs as his two X4 bodyguards ran forward to assist.  
            A gunshot rang out, and Jeremy—who had been on Alec’s left—dropped down, clutching his what used to be his knee. Casper was yelling into his radio, and trying to get a sight on the shooter, his gun steady despite the chaos.  
 _Huh,_  Alec remarked to Ben, feeling his body slowly lighten,  _you really **don’t**  hear the bullet that hits you…_ And Ben was yelling something back, but Alec was falling asleep…  
………  
 _You might say that I'm the last man standing now, and though you try you'll never find a way to break me._  
 _You might say that I'm sick of being lost in the crowd, I hear the sirens but they're never gonna take me!_  
 _………_


	19. Indestructible

            It had been barely a week since Alec had been shot on the steps of City Hall. Barely a week, and Max was already scared of what was going to happen.  It wasn’t Alec’s physical injuries she was worried about: his body guards had gotten the call out before things had gotten too horrible, and surprising as anything, the police had actually stepped in, helping defend the prone transgenic from the shooter, who was across the way in an abandoned high rise. The bullet had narrowly missed his heart, doing enough damage to pull him from active duty, but not enough to convince  _Alec_ that he had to stay in bed.  
            And that wasn’t the worst of it, something had  _changed_  in her lover, something drastic. She couldn’t see Ben hiding in his eyes anymore, she couldn’t detect any haziness or confusion, as he had been displaying when his symptoms had reached they’re peak. No, this change was something coming together, something mending itself…  
            Which scared her. Alec was funny, light hearted and jovial, despite the war he was waging against his own brain. When she saw him now (currently hunched over maps and plans, talking in a low voice to Mole and Dix, who were next to him), all she saw was 494—a soldier, a no-nonsense-sir-yes-sir soldier.  
            He sensed her watching him. His eyes met hers, and he offered her a smile; she wasn’t sure if he was aware how feral and savage it was.  
            “What are you doing?” She asked, realizing that she had drawn the attention of the other two as well.  
            Alec stretched, his back and shoulders popping even as he pushed the chair away from the table and stood. “Battle strategy.” He said, simply.  
            “Ever since they voted Alec out of office, the city has been putting pressure on the council to evict us. All that hard work…” Dix muttered, looking forlorn.  
            Mole waved a hand, gruffly saying, “They brought this on themselves.”  
            “Brought what on?” Max stepped closer, surprised when Alec wrapped his arms around her, blocking her path and pulling her close to him.  
            “Do you trust me?” His voice whispered against her ear.  
            Max chewed on her lip, thinking. This was  _Alec_ , the man who wasn’t even supposed to be moving around yet, the man she shared a bed and a home with, the man who she knew to be only grasping onto sanity by the barest threads…The man she trusted with more than her life.  
            Her nod was barely perceivable, but Alec caught it anyway. “Dix intercepted a radio transmission calling for the re-militarization of our boundaries. They’re trying to ring us in, and make it so we don’t assume it’s a first step to invasion.”  
            “How do we know it is?” She asked, and he smiled at her for it.   
            “Well, if they were just increasing patrols, they wouldn’t be mobilizing army reserves and sending a platoon of tanks.” He paused, looking her in the eyes, forcing her to see him plainly. “Maxie, honestly, do you trust me? Do you really, truly do?”  
            “And no, it’s not Ben asking.” Mole piped in, earning a glare from Alec.  
            The fact he had been open with them about his deepest secret solidified her resolve.  “Alec, I trust you with my life, and the lives of our people. But what is going on?”  
            “You can’t know. Not yet.” His mouth tightened, “You know, the whole plausible deniability thing.”  
            “Will people die?”  
            She didn’t miss the looks that both Dix and Mole shared, but her eyes were locked on Alec’s, waiting for his reaction. She almost swore she saw a glimmer of Ben there. “Their people or our people?”  
            “ _People_.”  
            He sighed. “Yes Max. It’s kinda what happens in a war.”  
            The decision wasn’t as hard as she thought it would be, in fact, it was positively easy. And looking at Alec, she realized who she had to thank for that. “Keep us safe, baby.” She said, standing on tip-toe to press a kiss to his surprised lips. “And please, don’t get shot again.”  
………  
 _Another mission: the powers have called me away, another time to carry the colors again.  
My motivation, an oath I’ve sworn to defend to win the honor of coming back home again.  
No explanation will matter after we begin, Unlock the dark destroyer that’s buried within!  
My true vocation, and now my unfortunate friend, you will discover a war you’re unable to win._  
………  
  
            The first troops in had no idea what hit them.  
            It was two weeks since Max gave Alec her full trust and support, and those two weeks had wrought a change in Terminal City so great it was practically unrecognizable.  When the first platoon of Army troops broke down the gated entrance of TC, they had expected a full squad of transgenics to be waiting for them. Instead, they were greeted with empty streets, void of all but a few junk papers blowing on the breeze.  
            Two more platoons followed the first, cautiously stepping into the biohazard zone, looking ridiculous in their cammo patterned hazmat suits. Suits that also cut their peripheral vision by more than half. Vision, that, if it had been unobstructed, just might have given them the warning they needed.  
            As it was, the first two platoons were down before the first man had time to scream.  
………  
 _Another reason, another cause for me to fight, another fuse uncovered now, for me to light.  
My dedication to all that I’ve sworn to protect, I carry out my orders without a regret._  
………  
  
            Alec wanted to be out there, wanted to be one of the ones to get first blood, but he hung back. No, his body was still recovering, and while he was more than able to fight, it was best to save his strength for when it would be needed.  
            He glanced back around the bunker, making one last checklist to be sure all of the non-combatants were safely in place—he didn’t want to go looking for a lost cub while his troops were laying down friendly fire. As it was ‘friendly’ tended to mean you were hit more by friends then the foes.  
            His radio crackled. “494 here.”  
            “ _Sir! The first team has successfully taken out two of the three advancing troops! The humans have backup, and first team is under fire._ ”  
            Alec paused, making sure of his choice before ordering it. “Pull them back and move to phase two.”  
            “ _Copy, sir!_ ” And the radio went back to silence.  
            Alec took a deep breath, closing his eyes and clearing his mind. Then, eyes snapping open, he quickly rechecked his weapons and ammo, before heading towards the bunker exit. As he stepped into the sunlit, seemingly deserted street, he vaguely heard someone call his name. Turning, he caught sight of a hover drone, far from its usual path. With a quick mental ‘thanks’, he raised his pistol, and took careful aim. The silencer hid the muzzle flash and smothered most of the sound, but it still caused a few heads to pop out of hiding places, especially as the drone crashed to the ground with a whine and small explosion. He waved them back, and they vanished as if they had never been there.  
            Grinning to himself, he let his free hand trail over his barcode, allowing his mind to shift away from the civilian style life he had been living, letting the full force of what made 494 so awe inspiring crash over his being. Every fiber of his being seemed to sharpen, and every movement became infused with the deadly will of an assassin, of a predator.  
 _This_  was what he was made for.  
………  
 _My declaration embedded deep under my skin-a permanent reminder of how it began._  
 _No hesitation when I am commanded to strike. You need to know that you’re in for the fight of your life._  
 _You will be shown how I’ve become Indestructible._  
 _………_

            He had blood in his mouth.  
            Alec spat where he stood, reversing the grip on his knife even as the marine attempted to grab him from behind. He felt the tip hit the resistance of the Kevlar, before his superior strength and the man’s momentum drove the point through. His hand was now splattered with hot, wet blood, but his mind was already dismissing the unfortunate soldier, moving on the next one on this street.  
            The humans were the only ones fighting with guns—Alec had ordered the main attack be done under complete silence, and his troops, perhaps a little too eagerly, took up the challenge. Far too many had witnessed or experienced the tortures humans were capable of, and nearly all of them wanted revenge. Between their collective claws, fangs, venom, speed, strength and psychic powers, the transgenics didn’t really  _need_  guns.  
            And the humans were finding that out rather quickly.  
            Alec frowned, stepping over the body of a fallen transhuman—from beta squad, though he didn’t remember his name—and continued his steady elimination of the marine squad. Too many of the basement people had fallen, and Alec knew that was on him. He should have ordered more training for them before allowing them on the front lines, ignored their enthusiasm for their safety, he thought, grabbing the last man by his gear belt and throwing him back onto the asphalt. He made it quick, the man’s neck neatly broken as Alec had whispered an apology.  
            A small voice desperately wished for Joshua to be safe.  
            “Alec!” He whipped around, expecting trouble, but getting a double armful of Max. Her face was tear-streaked and her clothes reeked of chlorine—  
            His fingers tightened on her flak jacket, “They  _gassed_  you?”  
            She pulled back, wiping at her face and attempting to shrug it off. “We’re fine, but they’re catching on fast.” Even as she said it, Alec had to yank her down as a human soldier started firing blindly into the alleyway. “How did you know all of us hiding would throw them so well?”  
            “Did you see Clemente’s face when he realized  _he_  was the one surrounded? And it’s not like our people were being particularly quiet.” He pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her lips, despite the chlorine gas that slightly tainted her taste. “They’re so loud, so far removed from their senses…why fight them head on? It’s not like they’ll see us coming.” An explosion—not too far away, but still near the border of TC—and Alec was back on his feet, grabbing the radio at his hip. Max was still watching him intently. “Of course, it only works till they start bombing us, but hey. We were  _designed_  for this. It’s not like they have any battle strategy that we haven’t learned by heart. You know, sometimes I think we should really send Manticore a thank you card…”  
            Max swatted him lightly on the shoulder, smiling despite herself. “You ordering them to move to phase 3?”  
            “All units, this is 494. Proceed.” He said, nodding. “And I really wish you’d take this.” He finished, holding out his personal pistol.  
            Max gave it a scathing look. “Come on, after that whole speech on how we didn’t need guns…”  
            “Until they started to catch on, sweetheart.” He grabbed her hand, knowing he should be moving on to his next position, knowing she had to as well, but needing to tell her. “I love you, Maxie, and I’d just feel safer knowing you didn’t need to get close to take someone out. You’re more exposed to bullets, exposing yourself like that.”  
            To his surprise, her small hand closed over the extended handle of the gun, and, after checking the safety, she slid it into the waistband of her jeans. “I’m not doing this for me, you know.” She said, her voice a little watery. “And don’t you get yourself killed either; I need you. I love you.”  
            They’re kiss was brief but passionate, and then they were on their way.  
            There was a war to be won.  
………  
 _Determination that is incorruptible. From the other side, a terror to behold.  
Annihilation will be unavoidable. Every broken enemy will know that their opponent had to be invincible.  
Take a last look around while you’re alive, I’m an indestructible  **Master of War!**_  
………  
  
            “Please, someone, tell me if I’m seeing things!” Mole yelled.  
            Max moved reluctantly from the side of a young X8 who had been trapped in cross fire, heading towards the single window of the bunker. Mole stepped aside, chomping on an unlit cigar, and casting a nervous glance around at the assembled wounded.  It took her a second to realize what Mole was talking about. “Is that a white flag?”  
            Mole snorted, returning to his post, peering out over her shoulder. “I thought so. Looks like your boy put them on the ropes.”  
            Max nodded, unable to trust her voice.  She had objected being placed on Med duty, even in a guardian capacity, because she had thought it was an insult to her skills. She thanked Manticore that they had trained Alec to know better, to be able to assess a soldier for their true worth. His gun had been needed, and she had ended someone’s life with it, though with a much needed lesson learned: whatever she had thought, not ever using a gun had seriously fucked up her aim, and had made her forget the power of recoil. It had taken four shots to kill a single human soldier, which was three more than it should have. And, to make matters worse, she had arrived at the medical bunker with a bloodied nose to boot.  
            Even humbled by that experience, she had argued when Alec radioed in to pull back, to let his singular team take point. He was barely recovered, still having trouble catching his breath with a healing chest, but he had said calmly and steadily that she trusted him this far…and she had.   
            She didn’t know whether she wanted to be laughing or crying.  
            Mole seemed to understand. “Princess is no different from any of us, darling.” He said, placing a gruff hand on her shoulder, “All of us got that little voice inside, whispering things. It’s who we are, Max, because we have been living as other people wanted us to for so long. So what if Alec’s demon got a name; this is what he was designed to do, and by god, he’ll do it  _right_.”  
………  
 _I’m indestructible, determination that is incorruptible. From the other side, a terror to behold.  
Annihilation will be unavoidable…_  
………  
  
Three Weeks Later:  
            It was tense, and no one seemed to want to break the silence. So they sat, or crouched, or leaned; all wearing the best suits they could come up with on such short notice, most still nursing injuries from the bloody day-long battle that had brought them to this place.  
            And then Alec stepped out of giant atrium doors, ignoring the sudden clamoring of reporters off to one side, roped off and held back by human security. His eyes only sought hers, and when they met, she wasn’t sure who exactly was in control. Max also wasn’t sure it mattered.  “It’s over.”  
            His smile broke the silence, and the ragtag group burst into happy noises, with much hugging, and clapping. But she only went to him, hugging him tightly, eyes blazing, before kissing him with as much passion as she could muster. He responded, ignoring the flashing cameras and shouted questions.  
            No one broke their embrace, but plenty joined in, hugging the couple in joy, patting they’re shoulders or catcalling. There was no mistaking the joy from these people, despite their sometimes odd appearances.  
            When Alec finally broke the kiss, he turned, calmly addressing the reporters in a carrying voice. “We’re free.”  This pronouncement spawned more shouted questions and some rather anti transgenic slurs as well, but they all fell on deaf ears as the now free transgenics moved off to bring the news to the rest of their compatriots.  
………  
 _Every broken enemy will know that their opponent had to be invincible._  
 _Take a last look around while you’re alive, I am indestructible,_  
 _I’m an indestructible **Master of War!**_  
 _………_


	20. Madness is the Gift That Had Been Given to Me

_………  
Can you feel that?  
Ah, shit…  
………_  
  
            The following weeks were horrible, exciting and terrifying all at once. The transgenics had been attempting to recover from the battle—the One Day War, was what it was being called in the papers—when the very first humanitarian aid had come in. Truth be told, they hadn’t been expecting it, but the humans running it had found a loophole in the law declaring the transgenics citizens, one that had been overlooked while the drafters had been too preoccupied with keeping them downtrodden.  
            Kindness was something the transgenics weren’t used to. Plenty looked on it as charity, and refused to take part. Alec knew it was only a matter of time before hunger brought them around; the only rations that would be sold to them from the State were cabbage and rejected meat.  
            A few very kind humans—led by the S1W—took up canned food donations, clothing drives, even petitioned Goode Will for provisions. Even more took up tools and cleaning supplies, and set to helping make Terminal City a more ‘home-like’ place.  
            It was then that Alec realized how, really, humans and transgenics didn’t play nice together.   
………  
 _It seems what's left of my human side is slowly changing in me…  
(Will you give in to me?)_  
………  
  
            “Max, you don’t understand,  _they won’t let them in_.” Alec wanted very badly to slam his head into the nearest wall; it would have at least produced some result.  
            Max, however, stood with her hands on her hips, wearing that damned expression he knew meant she was trying to figure out who she was speaking to. She was amazing, especially for putting up with his madhouse of a personality, but sometimes she just didn’t get it. She cocked her head to the side, and he sighed. “The building needs to be inspected or else it can’t be inhabited. You know that, we can’t push them on this.”  
            “Like every other person in this city is squatting anyway, god, Max, think!” He shook his head, reining in his anger. “It’s another attempt to micro manage us. And you don’t seem to understand that the transhumans have flat out refused to let humans near where they live. You’ve seen some of their dens; do you really think a building inspector is going to understand they’re following instinct?”  
            “Then what do you suggest?” She demanded, her voice low, angry but understanding that this was not something that she could change just by a requesting or even ordering it.  
            “Wyoming.” He said, glancing at the mirror in his office, mostly out of habit. Today, he was greeted with a wink and a wave, and he knew, despite his misgivings, this was the _right_  decision.  
            Now to convince Max of that.  
………  
 _Looking at my own reflection when suddenly it changes! Violently it changes (oh no)!  
There is no turning back now, you've woken up the demon in me!_  
………  
  
            Max couldn’t have known when he suggested the relocation to Wyoming, that preparations were well underway. When she found out, she barely had a flash of anger—it dissipated too quickly for her to do much more than make it known that she had been maneuvered when Alec announced the timetable.  
            She couldn’t figure out the exact reason, but living in the middle of nowhere, becoming a self-sufficient colony was looking like a pretty sweet choice. For one thing, she knew they’d be at the cutting edge of technology thanks to a few of the Nomalies who had a flare for things with circuits and wires; it was looking more and more like an extended vacation.  
            The fact she was with Alec was most important in her mind, and she found more and more that politics—especially the more she was forced to deal with those who practiced them—were stupid, and not ready for any sort of change. And, above all, she found that  _their_  laws didn’t address  _her people_ , nor could they ever hope to.  
            Thinking back on how far she had come with Alec, part of her wondered if Ben was having an effect on her too, waking her up to what she was meant to be. The thought wasn’t quite comfortable, but she also didn’t really care.  
………  
 _I can see inside you, the sickness is rising; don't try to deny what you feel.  
(Will you give in to me?)  
It seems you're having some trouble in dealing with these changes, living with these changes.  
The world is a scary place now that you've woken up the demon in me!_  
………  
  
            Alec always got distant right before they mobilized, and she noticed he talked to himself more than too. It was a far cry from fighting with his reflection, but every time she saw it, it gave her chills.  
            However, the crowd they faced as the caravan began the long trek to Wyoming scared her more, and she wished with every fiber of her being she had the ability that Alec had, to just smooth his feathers and ignore the words and gestures and signs. The human protesters focused on their car the most—as Alec had planned it, timing their departure with the bus containing the cubs and X8s—screaming, and slamming their fists against the windows and roof. It terrified her, and more than once she found herself trying to control her breathing, dangerously close to hyperventilation.  
            It was then that Alec reached one hand away from the steering wheel and gently grasped the one she had wound into her jeans. She looked up into his hazel eyes and felt relief wash over her. The expression on his face was blank and immune; his eyes shone with sympathy and love, warming her to the core.  
            Taking his hand firmly, she turned back in her seat, straightening her spine and flashed him a smile. Let them hate, she thought, and then she forgot about them. She was already at their Base, settling in and teasing Alec.  
            Noting her contented smile, Alec turned down the music, letting her nap against his shoulder as he carefully maneuvered the winding roads, taking them home.  His reflection remained his, and the voices in his head mumbled and yelled the same as anybody else…He wasn’t Always Alright—never was, never would be—and for some reason, knowing that made him content. He was crazy, but there was no way in hell anyone would convince him that was a bad thing.  
………  
 _Get up, come on, get down with the sickness!_  
 _You mother get up come on get down with the sickness!_  
 _You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness!_  
 _**Madness is the gift that has been given to me!**_  
 _………_  
  
 **END**


End file.
